My Methadone Story...

Hello my name is Andrew, and I'm an recovering addict.

Long story short, Ive been fighting my demons for 10yrs now. The last 4 have been on methadone but Ive been very anti maintenance as I still feel like an addict when I crave my dose and get that satisfying feeling of relief when it kicks in. I started on 50mls climbed to 125 and back down to around 80-100 in the first few months then stay right around 90 for 4.5 yrs.

Im a commercial fisherman on Canada's East Coast, and with the help of a very understanding pharmacist Ive been able to support my family in the only industry my small community has. Over the last few yrs things have not been good to our industry. I now have to move to out west tot he Oil Sands to continue to be able to provide. So I tried to quit cold turkey off 65mls in Nov. Didn't go so hot but gave me the drive to push even harder to get off as I cant expect a job out west on the program.

Went from 50mls were I stayed over the winter fishing season, to drinking my last dose last night around 7pm. 50ml for 2 months then down 5 a week and it was hard dont get me wrong but I was still able to function and work until I hit the drop to 5mls, the last week has been hell and things are only gonna get worse I'm sure.

I'm wondering if anyone here has successfully withdrawal off in the past or can offer advice as to maybe vitamins and or nutrients that my help thru this process as my apatite is already gone and I don't expect Ill have one for awhile.

I think Ive put myself ina good place to start this process with the weening down and such, but its still a battle and any advice as to things that my have comforted you during the process or ways of burning the restless energy. The inability to sleep has me most worried Im already running on like 3-4 a night and not expecting to sleep over the next week at all.

Im also prescribed:

Teva-Clonidine 0.1 mg - Blood Pressure Pills to help with the jitters and such.
Teva-Trazodone 50mg - Sleeping Pill

Neither of which felt like the did much of anything over the weeks leading up to this one.

49 hrs since my last dose ...

Feeling of bone rot has set in, haven't slept in about 49hrs, have tons of restless energy but to think of doing anything but tossing and turning on the coach is hard.

Only ganna get worse :/

Ill keep checking in, just knowing people that understand what Im going thru are reading these posts is helpful to some degree.

Sooo its been almost 100hrs now, I was so very wrong in my last post, the slightest tiny hints of the "bone rot" feeling were there but in no way had set in ...

I feel like shit, Im weak, tired, sore and restless. That said those are physical symptoms and Ive bee fighting these demons for yrs now so I can deal with them. The mental side of it, in the past was a none issue tbh, I was young, dumb, and didnt give much thought to my problems and issues. But this is my first time going thru this after 5 yrs of being stable and having a family. I find my self dweling on stuff I havent thought about in a very long time while also having to deal my mistakes made over the past few years. Methadone seemed to have been playing a part in my walls standing so firm, as the methadone leaves my system those walls seem to come down faster and faster.

I did manage to sleep 3-4 hrs over a 7-8 span. Good weed played a part Im sure, also I doubled up my Clonidine / Trazodone, lied down and listened to very soft classical music. (first time i ever intentional put classical on) Im guessing lack of sleep played a bigger part I seemed to just shut down, but still felt rested and kinda refreshed mentally.

No matter how much I thought I prepared me self, Its still a battle. Its different for everyone and seemingly different each time.

Ive got a good setup, dark room, food, blankets ext. Im soon going to force my self to start walking even if only short ones the fresh air will help. For now Im going to stay hunkered down and as comfortable as possible. Seeking conciling should be high on the list of stuff to do at some point but for now Ill have to cope with it.

Cazzius,
I apologize that no one has responded to your postings until now. I do admire you for what you are doing.
3 Days since your last post, how do you feel now. I hope you will come and continue to post your journey as it will help many people who are going through the same as you.
There are some things that can help. Vitamin B complex I've heard can help along with Imodium AD for the constant case of running to the bathroom. Try to take lots of hot showers for the muscles and to try to help relax. Keep yourself hydrated as much as you possibly can.
Regular exercise will also help. I know, who wants to exercise when they feel like crap?

Counseling? By all means yes. Check in when you are able and give an update as to how you are doing.

The fact that no one posted wasn't an issue, just seeing the "views" was helpful in some way to know people that understand my pain were following my progress.

Its now been 11 days. The fact Im counting in days now and no longer hours, is a very good thing. After my last post was around day5 things got a little worse, legs and bones continued to get worse up until the 1week mark they kinda stayed the same up until today and yesterday. I'm feeling much better today, the first week I slept like 8 or 9 hrs I think, 30-40 hr stretches then 45min/2-3hrs then more endless hrs. Ive slept now 2 nights in a row about 4-5 hrs each night, so incredibly refreshing physically and mentally.

So my methadone journey began about 5 yrs ago, but my battle started long before that. I met my Ex Mel, 10 yrs ago, we were both using at the time, after almost a yr we both decided to clean up, she moved back to her home town I soon followed and we did good for a while and then would "slip", and so on. after 2 yrs we finally managed to get and stay clean for about 2 yrs. I then found work fishing and we moved to Yarmouth. Things were good untill one day at work I seen a guy I worked with goo in the wheel house and take a pill .. I knew instantly that it was a pian killer and asked "can I have one ..". The cycle began anew. Mel and I both got wired again but soon after found out she was pregnant. The Doctors said the program would be in the child's and our own best intrastate, I agreed but after hearing what that meant my kid would go thru once born really started to mess with me. Xavier was born Oct 29th 2010, after a 35 hr labor her water broke inside and he was born with Maconium and addicted to methadone. Worst time of my life, realizing the decisions I made not only hurt myself but led to my son now going thru withdrawal the moment he was born. I carried him from the operating room to an incubator, where he stayed for 6 weeks but he managed to pull thru, he had it very hard but was strong and came out a beautiful smart energetic kid.

The program provided a stability that I had not had in some time, I was able to work and function and burn all my bridges with that life and focus on the future but at the same time I was resentful for still not being "clean" and needing a drug to function.
I would get to a lvl that I felt good but then go down and feel crappy then up and so on but all the while Mel was going up and up till she hit 200mls while I didn't go above 100.
After we got home I became very distant and angry at the program and Mel. I was a horrible partner and worse father and I ran to my work and would be gone fishing as often and for as long as possible.

She took her daughter and Xavier and moved back her home town almost a yr to the day ago. I was now alone in a house I bought for us in a town I came to for us doing a job I found to provide for us.

Thats kinda were I started i Nov of this last yr I tried to give up from 65 and was back on the program in 5 days or so.

I tell this story to inform but more importantly I think it explains why Im so focused on making this work. If I don't managed to get off the program Ill never be able to leave this town or accomplish the things I want in life like providing for my son and being the father he deserves.

I mentioned before I had set my self up good for this and I did. I had very strong motivational factors leading to my decision to get off, I was stable for a long time and I was whined down. All of this has lead to me having no thoughts or cravings about drugs. I know what it would get me in the end and have no interest in being in this place again.

So Im in no way in the clear so to speak but feel I doing very well. All thats left for symptoms are Insomnia, Restless Leg Syndrome, Joint Pain, Fatigue but the hardest to deal with is still by far the mental side of it, accepting and dealing with my problems.

The program has provided alot of people with 2nd chances in life myself included. Those of you on the program and stable and using it the way intended I applaud you and those of you that have the want or need to get off the program need to know it can be done, take your time stay focused and have an obtainable goal or a plan in place for immediately following the worst of it.

I will keep checking in and updating my progress down this long road.


Xavier and I at 2 yrs.

One other thing, I received a phone call yesterday from the Dentist reminding me of an appointment I had made to fixa broken tooth .which drove me nutz the last couple weeks). In my attempt to return to somewhat normal of a life and daily routines, I decided to go ..
Sucha very very bad idea.. I ended up getting 3 fillings on all right next to each other. My face, head and neck are all now throbbing with pain.
I refuse to take any kind of pills anymore including Tylenol and even my sleeping pills have been flushed, not that they did much anyway. So this is excruciating.


On the plus side Im not thinking about any of my symptoms...

Almost 3 weeks SOBER !!!! and feeling much better. Still only get like 3-5 hrs of sleep anight, and legs arnt as sore but bone pain is still there.

I have gone back to work for the first time in over 5 weeks, Lobstering is not an "easy" job and I suffered thru both days, that said I feel better about my self and burning the energy was a huge help.

Im now realizing a serious life style change is required to remain as dedicated to this as possible, over the last few years I burnt all my social bridges and spent alot of my time hiden in my cave and playing online games and working .. This will no longer be an acceptable way of spending my days.

I have an addictive personality so finding something healthy and productive to focus on is very important so Ive joined a local gym and am changing my routine big time, up every mourning at 6 am not 1 pm ... going for walks and doing stuff around the house.

I am seeking out mental help, someone to talk to and vent really, Its a hard process but my mind seems clearer thenit has in yrs.

Not having anyone around for support is hard, Im alone in this town and hiden my efforts from those that know me hard as Ive hid my addiction from everyone, so pretending Im ok and things are peachy is difficult at best.

Ive asked around to a few people I know that have gotten off the program over the years past and Im told its about average that after a month to 6-7 weeks things just clicked and they started to sleep more and feel normal. Im very excited for that day.

I hope that you are able to find the support (local) that you are seeking. I am encouraged by your posts and look forward to more.
Keep it up, as hard as it is. It is well worth it.
3 weeks! Congratulations!!
Dee

God bless u
Wow your doing it I stumbled upon this website because I am doing a research paper and I decided to do my paper on methadone. I been at my program in East Orange,NJ for 7 years and I am grateful for it cause my life has changed drastically meaning my husband went before me and he has been off the program for 1 yr maybe 2 and I am married (of coarse duh).......and I am in my children's lives and my baby girl is healthy I delivered while on the program....now I am in the process of doing a blind detox and your story really gave me HOPE!!!!!!!!! I know it won't be easy be I am ready.....stay focused and u will be alright stay with positive people and stay again FOCUSE:

cazzius,
Wow your doing good, you know the hard part hasnt even started.
Once you get a counsler and you start seeing them, recovery begins, its a
wonderful journey your on your way to getting your life back.
Good luck and please continue to post your journey

God Bless You and your family!!

Sry I had some log in issues and was un-able to update my progress on my 1 Month.

Its been 1 month 4 days ...

!!!- I FEEL GREAT -!!!!

I'm back to work full time in the stern of a lobster boat, I started back about a week before I should have but I had no option.

I still don't sleep much but that's basically the only symptom I have to complain about, other then dealing with depression and issues that have came back up since my withdrawal. I have a councilor Im seeing regularly which is a huge help, Ive nvr really talked to anyone, kept stuff to my self and buried the shit to hard to deal with.

Im actively going to the Gym and eatn right. Ive found this new positive outlook on life.


That about sums it up, Im tired of living life 'to just get by'.

Im fishing the spring season (May 31st) Then the first week of June Im starting my PFF (Progressive Free Fall) Skydiving course, then spending a week or so with my son in NB and headn out west for a fresh start.

Getting off the program was the best thing I ever could have done, Im still not back to 100% but but my current 90% is 100 times better then Ive felt in years. I know my positive attitude is key to making this work so well. Ive had no urges or cravings still, honestly turns my stomach to even think about relapsing.

@ Floydx05, Quannie - Thank you both for your kind words and support.
@ Quannie - You have so got his girl. Its hard and a long road yes but when you set yor self up right and have the support in place its not that bad and the Pro's most definitely out weight the Cons. I would say have a game plan in place for when your feeling better change your routine, eat at different times, get up earlier, and most importantly for me I forced my self to become more active during the time my body would expect my daily dose. I found even after a couple weeks my symptoms would spike during the evening around 6-9 pm as thats typically when I drank my dose. Might have just been in my head but still going for walks cleaning being as active as possible during that time helped. Also with INSOMNIA being the longest lasting and hardest symptom to deal with I foound embracing it and usen the extra time to get stuff done was a huge help. I would lie there so frustrated that I had just worked a 20 hr day and was so exhausted and would fall asleep quick but the second I would roll over or get up to pee anything .. I was awake and unable to fall back asleep even if it was only 2-3 hrs. Now I just roll with it If Im awake I might as well be up and doing stuff.

Im the kind of guy that wants what I want NOW and doesn't like to wait .. but this ideology doesn't fit recovery and that's been hard to accept as-well, this will take time and lots of effort for the res of my life Im sure but so I got this.

Take care all, I will post more of my story as it unfolds.