Methadone: A Flicker Of Light In The Dark

Methadone: A Flicker Of Light In The Dark

To provide a better understanding of the very important role methadone plays in the treatment of addiction.
 
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 I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.

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NoMoreTears



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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Sat May 18, 2013 8:49 am

5/18/13 Dose 95
231

Detox is fine. I feel fine... I've been stung out like a madman on H. I've been on Suboxon and Methadone and been through all the other gamets of addiction. Once I'm clean again I'm going to be of value to help others.

Yesterday I saw a report that in a remote area of Wa here there have been like 5 overdoses in a week on Black. Seriously this is becoming a huge problem for youth even. One of the kids died. They said on the news they are thinking of charging the seller who is in custody for the death. I think that was propaganda, because the dude didn't stick the needle in the guys arm. I mean what if I drank a weeks worth of Methadone, would they charge the clinic for the death. The kid just loaded the spoon too big... It's sad, but the other kid is hemied up just like the dead kid I'm sure.
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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Sat May 18, 2013 8:47 pm

Hey man it sounds like you have this under control.Good luck and keep us posted on your jounery to recovery.I assume it will get harder the lower your dose but you sound very determined to do this.I plan to start lowering my dose maybe in the beginning of next year but im going to take it very slow.I will be looking forward to reading your updates...
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NoMoreTears



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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Sun May 19, 2013 9:13 am

5/19/13 Dose 95mg
233lb

Sneezing like crazy this morning and I woke up with that uneasy feeling. But, once I get up and moving around I feel fine. Haven't been taking my dose until later in the morning. I do that so it doesn't have such control in my mind. I actually forgot to take my dose a few weeks ago and then remembered when i was at church and started sweating a ton.

Yesterday I worked in the yard yesterday for about 5 hours. Since I have been going down I have had more energy and more motivation. My emotions have come back in full force and I have had more belly laughs. Seriously, thus far since I have been going down it's been positive. I'm still high I know, but that's ok. When it gets bad I'm going into prayer and exercise.

Once thing that happened on Methadone is I gained 40lb. Well, I didn't realize it, but I also probably lost 10lb of mussel. I can feel that when I'm doing physical things. My therapist is helping me work on not letting my emotions get out of control so much. He is going to help me with anxiety also. There is so much I can do with my mind to overcome shit. I saw a documentary on Navy Seals once and they work day after day after day to build their minds and skills to do what they so. i got to look at this addiction the same way or I'm going to get taken out at the knees again.

I have to stay away from women. I mean, not jump into relationships and fall in love in 3 days to someone I don't know! That is what knocked me down last time when I had a year clean. The wrong woman can be detrimental to a man's progress if it's the wrong one. Or she can be everything to a man if it's the right one like Jacky Kennedy or something.

This is the day I feel different and the withdraw from the dose decrease. It's on the 5th day actually. I see the long acting part of methadone because of this. I'm really yawning, sneezy and my body doesn't feel exactly right. It's not that bad at all, don't get me wrong. I just took my dose now at 6:44am. Once I take my dose that feeling goes away. It's in the morning before I dose. But, I'm working on feeling that a little bit so I get use to it.

When I get to 30mg's is when it's going to get hard. I'm thinking of swapping to suborn at 30mg's then detoxing from that. I was on suborn 16mg's and I detoxed myself from it. It was bad, but not that bad... Not like the times lying around puking from heroin detox or anything
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NoMoreTears



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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Mon May 20, 2013 9:29 am

5/20/13 Dose 95mg 230lb Feel fine except right when I wake up I'm uncomfortable. Got to get up and move around and get coffee ect. Going down to 85mg's on Wednesday. Going to be really happy to get off methadone at this point. I walked and worked in yard and did push up's yesterday. I have given the clinic 10,000 once I'm off. That is a lot of money. I feel trapped on methadone also. I have to have a bottle of pink med or I'll be sick! I can't go on a road trip or go where I want because of this. They make me pee in a cup in front of some man and take my privacy and personal respect away from me. They have video and sound in the clinic. The counsolor's come out and start listening to you talk in the lobby. The groups at my clinic are being run by people that use and double dose all the time. The one guy has run the group for years and he nod's out the entire time he is doing the group. The lines in the place are 30 plus min's long every time I dose. I told my cousolor I'm leaving and they want me to stay. She made it clear I can come back and get back on. I'm never going on methadone again. This CRC that Bain bought is all about making money. They don't care about the patients. They want you to stay pay and that's it. They don't care if you are relapsing all the time. As long as you can pay you can stay. Ok, just vented a little bit about methadone. Oh, also they make me feel like I'm lower than and still somebody that's a loser or something. I wonder how many people working at the clinic are ON methadone, none... One more thing is I have such attraction to women now. I can't believe the change in me already from going down from 145mg to 95mg. This really feels good because I'm a 40 year old man and it feels good to have that natural feeling of attraction, need and want... Methadone and Heroin really robbed me of a lot that normal life provides on it's own.
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NoMoreTears



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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Tue May 21, 2013 8:41 am

5/21/13 Dose 95mg
228.5lb

No symptoms...

I'm eating healthy and making fruit smoothie shakes everyday and taking a vita done every meal. I'm convinced this is going to be important to this process. I have been working in the yard and am sore. Did some push up's two days ago maybe one and my chest is really sore. I'm going to build up my body a bit in the next few months. If I'm working out I may trick my mind into thinking I'm just sore from working out when it's really the detoxing. Can't wait for this entire process to be over. I don't have much patience when I want something in life. That's a good lesson because most things that are good take a lot of time, work and energy. THose things that come easy and feel good are death in the long run for me...
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NoMoreTears



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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Wed May 22, 2013 8:40 am

5/22/13 Dose 85mg
228.8

Up at 3:30 with a body of anxiety. It's been an hour since and I feel a little better. I'm working to beware of my thinking. My thoughts are habitual like anything else. My thinking curbs the way I feel and it also effects the way I live. I worked hard again yesterday. I'm going to see the doctor this morning. Since I have requested to go down from 145mg I haven't even seen the doctor. I"m going to request that I can still go down 10mg's a week until it gets to painful and I have to back off to 5mg's a week.

I still can't believe I'm hemmed up on something again. It feels like the times getting off H. When I'm finished with this I'm DONE. I don't want to go through another detox ever again. It's hard to believe what I have gone through all in the name of getting high. The alk quit working long ago and that's when the H took it's place. The black quit working also... I know guys to this day filling up their mussels with that crap. Their bodies are ruined from it. I'm glad God had grace on me enough to not let me go that far.

Went to AA again this morning. I started going to that program when I was 15. I have tried it so many times in my life. I'm just tired of that program. I really don't care for it at all. It's also a weird bunch of people. There are so many people that take your inventory, judge you, gossip and the list goes on. It has really been unhealthy for me. I'm going to start going to hiking groups and stuff like that. I'm also going to devote that same hour to working in my bible and other lit to change my thinking. I'm not convinced that aa is the only way to stay sober. I know I need support and I have my clinical pycologist as a sponsor now. I have had some real bad experiences with aa sponsors. The sponsorship program in aa can be very unhealthy. I read an article about a guy that shot his sponsor dead because he told the whole aa group about his personal shit. The meetings have so much gossip in them it's crazy. I'm going to look into rational recovery this morning and see what that is about.

I'm down to 85mg. I'm meeting my doctor tomorrow, not today. I'm going to request that I can continue going down 10mg's a week as long as it's not to hard on me. They have it set that now I can only go down 5mg's a week. That will just take to long for me. I can't wait to be off of methadone. I'm dying to be drug free again. I felt so good when I was clean for that year. I was working out, working and just overall I was so happy and had so much energy. I'm dreaming of feeling that way again.
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NoMoreTears



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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Thu May 23, 2013 8:22 am

5/23/13 Dose 85mg
226.5lb

Withdraw: Serious

Eating healthy still and taking vitamins. For some reason when I wake up my body is really uncomfortable. It has that restless feeling and uneasyness about it. My body is sort of in a panic for a time being in the morning. The more I'm up and moving around the feeling dissipates. Going to request that I can continue 10mg drops today.

My methadone clinic, CRC, starts dropping patients 10mg's a day if they can't pay. They will get you out quick if you don't have the cold hard cash.

I'm starting today to spend at least 45min's in my bible and prayer everyday. I'm going to need that habit established for when this detox continues to get harder.

Ex girl friend is continuing to text and call. She wants to hang out and that is like going to whore house to pray for the salvation of my soul. I'm going to reply letting her know I'm detoxing and don't feel good and won't be able to hang out for a long while. Then I'm going to just let tha situation go. The only reason I established communication again is to get some xany's and some tar on a relapz that wasn't worth shit. Not even a big dose of methadone topped off with xany's and then some tar work for me. I'd rather die than be stuck back at her place doing drugs and in a mental prison. I use to slam a big fatty and ride my bike to church every Sunday from that apartment. I left that apartment for detox and went to a shelter to get sober. I WILL NOT be trapped again, so help me God.

God my dose and I feel better. It was an intense morning and I felt that feeling I haven't felt in some time. You know when you know a shot will do the trick. When you body is screaming from the inside and nothing will stop it. That crawing feeling like something is crawing all over inside of your body. I tried to take a bath, but it was not working I just got out real quick.

Taked to my doctor. Starting next Wednesday I'm going to go down 1mg a every day until 55mg's. Then I'm going to go into full withdraw and transfer over to 16mg's of suboxon. Then I'm going to do a quick suboxone detox to be completely clean again. I'm not going to take anything to help. No clonidine, no xanex, no nothing. I'm going to eat healthy and MAN UP. I'm going to pray and know that it is temperary. Nothing was more painful in my life than when my little brother suddenly died. The pain and suffering from that was so immense I almost lost it. I started slamming hella dope and drinking and popping pills and trying to wash away the pain. After i got clean the pain came back and I have been working through it since then.
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NoMoreTears



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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Fri May 24, 2013 8:23 am

5/24/13 Dose 85mg
224.7 lb

Yesterday morning was crazy. I feel way better today. I thought this stuff was long acting. I went down on Wed from 95 to 85 and woke up in complete anxiety. I hadn't felt that feeling in a long time.

I actually saw the doctor yesterday and have a good detox plan in place to finish off this last 85mg's. This has been a real learning lesson. I always wanted to try methadone when I was stung out. I knew a lot of people on it. Now I have and know what it's all about. Even at 145mg's if I choose to play tug of war with the evil one with my thoughts I still wanted to get high. The 145mg didn't take that away... What has taken that away is all the detox's and being on methadone and being so lazy and having nothing happen in my life. That has made me not want it anymore. I use to be a serious ally. I drank day and night and would chug the vodka straight in the morning. I don't have even an inkling of desire to drink ever again. Thinking about it makes me want to puke. I did a shick shadle treatment on myself and it worked. That makes me question this idea that people are alcoholic.

37 more days on methadone, then switching to subtext. From there I'm going to go down and get clean.
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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Fri May 24, 2013 9:09 pm

Just to let you know, still here, still reading and still cheering you on. cheers


"I will let yesterday end so that today can begin"



Never take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider
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NoMoreTears



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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Sat May 25, 2013 8:38 am

5/25/13 Dose 85mg
226.5lb


Down to 85mg and felt this drop pretty good. Once this is detox is over I'm going to be happy. I'm tired of being tired on methadone. Also, I'm tired of the methadone clinic all together. If there wasn't so much bureaucracy in this country with the top 2% controlling everything so much red tape around everything I would buy a few bottles of methadone hire a couple counselors for 15 bucks an hour and start my own clinic selling done. I would have that place packed out easy raking in the money and doing everything legal to.

That was crazy talk... If you remember being out of dope and just getting the sniffiles, but cells in your body start talking telling you that you need a shot. That is what happens the cells themselves are not happy with not having the dope so they start to scream. That is what has been happening each morning since this last drop. I think I see why they say 80mg is a therapeutic dose now. This last drop has been the only one that really effected me so far. Just took my dose and it kicks in strong and I can tell right away when it's in my body. It's just like getting that bag and your sick and you pump the shot in and then you feel so good. It's a crazy ride this shit...

I see a lot of young people at the clinic now. Most of them just had a little pill habit also. The kids have never even been to treatment before either. That is a little scary. One girl from the clinic didn't even test positive for anything, but they had already started her on the done. It would be really interesting to have been apart of the original discussions with the law makers and doctors when they decided to come up with replacement therapy.


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NoMoreTears



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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Sun May 26, 2013 9:00 am

5/26/13 Dose 85mg
228lb

Well I'm had a weird day yesterday and another anxiety morning. It's that same feeling when I didn't have dope and was getting sick. I'm not physically sick, just my internal cells screeming at me in the morning. I have not felt like this until that last drop on Wednesday from 95 to 85mg's. This is going to be no joke. I can hardly believe the impact of just a 10mg drop when i'm still feeding my body 85mg's of meth. It's going to be awhile until I'm normal again. I'm going work really hard on not fighting these feelings and accepting them. If I don't accept that's the way I feel then I will seek a solution and that is dangreous because the solution is easy, get dope or xany's.

God help me through the next 4 months!

just took my dose and 15min's later I feel better. This shit is hard core. This is going to be a serious journey off methadone.
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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Mon May 27, 2013 9:17 am

5/27/13 Dose 85mg's
228lb

I want to be off methadone and to have this detox over with. It's been a tough week actually in the process. God help me get through this...

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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Tue May 28, 2013 9:12 am

5/28/13 Dose 85mg
227lb

After this past week and this past drop I'm realizing how addicted I am to methadone. I know they say it's not addicting, but that's not true for me. Well, I start going down 1mg a day starting tomorrow to 55mg's. Then I'm going to switch over to subutex and then clean.

Methadone has helped me a lot though. It has let me slow down a bit. It has given me time to re-coup from the hustle. It has let me do some real hard thinking about my life. It has given me the time to really do some reflective thinking into my past all the way back to my youth. It has kept me out of trouble and away from the people I don't want to be around anymore.

I have dreams of living a clean and happy life again. I use to be an Engineer making over 100k. I don't care about the money, but I know I can have a good life again. I worked 10 years straight. In the past 5 years I have done a lot of healing. The methadone has supported that process in my life.

I'm convinced that nothing I have been through has been a waste. Every choice, every mistake and all the suffering can someday be used for good. I have been working very hard on taking control of my thoughts. Taking the lies and throwing them out and replacing them with the truth.

I'm going to make it through this detox no matter what happens. I just can't envision my life going to the methadone clinic and paying 420.00 a month for the rest of my life. If I'm going to get off the done, now is the time. I'm sure it would be harder if was on it for 5 or 10 years. It's only been 18months or so...

Journaling has been helpful to my detox and recovery in general... I've been an addict since 7th grade! I'm growing up now at age 40 and it's hard. I'm experiencing emotions that kids have. I understand how we done' mature in active addiction. I believe that because of this the older you are the harder it can be to go through life in all reality. Reality is pretty hard for me to accept sometimes.
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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Thu May 30, 2013 8:54 am

5/30/13 Dose 85mg
227lb

Finally I feel better this morning and now I start the decrease of 1mg a day. I hope that it doesn't come on as strong as that last 10mg drop.

I thought that having a heroin habit was bad. This is the worst. It's going to be a long time to get off this. I've been working at it for quite some time already and I have 85mg's left. This methadone is no joke. I mean when i was strung out I could go to detox and walk out of there after 5 days feeling not that bad. The worst of the detoxing was over at least. This methadone is different beast. I know it was created in Germany and Hitler was running the country at that time. Maybe there is something to be said for that.

I have been reading that methadone doesn't allow your body to digest vitamins and minerals as it is suppose to. Also, I know at 145 it took every bit of my manhood away! Going from 145mg to 85mg I have such different feelings coming over me that were NOT happening when I was up on that 145mg's. Seriously, that is really scary to me!

Got my dose and I'm going down 1mg a day now. Whatever you all do don't drop your dose over 10%. When i dropped from 95mg to 85mg it hit me pretty good. I'm going to do 1mg a day until it gets bad and then stay stable for a bit. Then resume when my body catches up with the decrease in my dose. This process is no joke. Getting off the tar was a bit easier, i'll tell you that.
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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Fri May 31, 2013 1:04 pm

5/31/13 Dose 83mg
225.4lb

Going down 1mg a day. It's going fine and I'm sure it's going to hit me sooner or later. I'm just going to get use to feeling withdraw for the next 3 or 4 months. Can't wait to hit 55mg's and to do the switch to subutex. It's going to be a big marker and I'll be on my way to a clean life again.

I was at 145mg's and I'm at 83mg's now, so I'm almost half way through the total amount I have to get out of me. It's been easy except when I dropped over 10% that one time and it hti me good. Overall I have been feeling my feelings a lot more though. Motivation levels have gone way up since going down on my dose also.

I'm keeping an open mind and if anything is making me feel bad, angry or negative I'm going to challenge my belief, attitude, opinion or whatever it is that's making me feel like that. Working on not thinking in Black and White terms. Working on not reading others minds and thinking I know what they are thinking. Working on changing my own self perception, which is what God thinks of me. Working on a lot of things actually. Going to Therapy again today and I"m going to work on this stuff. Got to do my readings now.
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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Mon Jun 03, 2013 9:17 am

6/3/13 Dose 80mg
225lb

I'm down to 80mg's and went through a hard 2 and 1/2 weeks. When I dropped from 95mg's to 85mg's it was really to much.

Go slow on your detox. More than 10% decrease a week is going to really hit you. I experienced it myself real time.

This detoxing off methadone is serious business. I have been dope sick 100 times before. I mean I use to run out after having a big habit on a regular basis. I have been though withdraws like that with nothing many times. But, coming off the done is a like that. It's not as intense like the puking and diareah, but the anxiety got just as bad and the sleep situation got bad.

Working my way down to 55mg and cutting over to subutex and then getting off that.

I saw my son yesterday and he did a presentation for me that he is doing today in school. It was really nice to see him. We went and had dinner and that was great also. I'm so much different than 5 years ago! I have come a long ways from that time!!

Always remember how far you have come and don't focus on how far you have to go. Where you are usually depends on where you start....
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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Tue Jun 04, 2013 9:49 am

6/4/13 79mg
227lb

I worked all day yesterday putting in a new walkway. It is incredible and I had fun doing it. I planed little grasses and plants along the sides of it.

Doing fun things in my life is part of my recovery. They don't focus on that a lot in these programs. But, I think it's just as important. A guy told me one time that the more I invest in my recovery, the less willing I'll be to throw it away. Investment includes my health and eating right, seeing my son and family, doing hobbies. I'm going fishing again on Sunday because Salmon fishing is opening up again. Also, I've been reading a lot and just finish a book called the Glass Castle, which was really good.

My dose is good and has been fine this week going down 1mg a day. I'm going to continue with this plan. If it gets to hard I'll back off.

I'm grateful I haven't been on the program for 10, 15 or 25 years and am now trying to get off. I know that can be done, but I believe it will be easier for me only being on 2 years.

I found a lot of great things in the internet on Methadone. I did a search, "I got did it and got of f methadone." I found a lot of success stories.

Again, methadone has been great for me. It has really helped me. I don't judge anyone who wants to stay on it. Just for me I want to feel everything without the opiets.
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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Wed Jun 05, 2013 1:07 pm

6/5/13 Dose 78
227lb

I'm going to slow down on my dose lowering. I was rushing to fast, which is fine but I need to be smart. I'm so excited to be clean again. I'm very grateful for the methadone program and all the people their. It's been a real good experience overall. I have been going to the group there and I really like the people in my group. They are all good people and have good hearts. There was a guy that use to go named Mike and I asked where he was and he passed away. It was really sad to hear that. He had scitafrenea, but he was the nicest person and he was happy a lot. This life is really short. I have been in gratitude all morning about my life. I'm so lucky to have a great son and a mom that cares for me. I have my health and my mind is still sharp and I really like to learn and read lately. Well, this recovery for the past 5 years has all been worth it. My son and I have the best relationship now. I miss my little brother everyday, but I'll see him in heaven.
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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Thu Jun 06, 2013 8:42 am

6/6/15 Dose 77mg
No more weight till I commit to losing again

Woke up at 2:30 then at 4am. Restless in my sleep a little bit. Dose is fine and I'm really noticing how methadone effects me. I have 20mg's to go now to 55mg's. I'm then cutting over and on my last down hill slope from there. I realize how I don't think a lot about things as I'm doing them. Meaning I don't think of the consequences and use my intellect like I should. I'm irrational when it comes to things that make me feel good and comfortable. Even though in the long run those things are not good for me. I'm changing and working on that part of my life. But, when I was going up and up and up I was not once thinking of going down down and down on the dose. I really didn't weigh into that at the time. It's ok, I'll make it through this.

I'm have a choice today to run with thoughts or throw them out. Today i'm not going to entertain thoughts that are of the past. Well if they are good I will, but anything negative I'm going to throw out. We don't need no thought's controlled, that's a good song.

If you are detoxing or whatever don't forget to listen to music a lot. Music is the great communicator and healer I think...

I'm not going to quit. I was thinking about leveling out on my dose for a bit, but I'm just going to keep going. This is total hell now that I'm stuck on the done. I feel trapped by having to have to go get it everyday. It's like I'm tied to it for my sanity and I don't like that. I use to feel just fine waking up with nothing. I use to actually feel so good I couldn't hardly stand it. In fact, I use to feel so good I would use to celebrate feeling so good.
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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Thu Jun 06, 2013 11:47 pm

Oh I have just read all this today and wow what an experience....I wish I would have seen your post before today. I love this site but I am the moderator on a.t. watchdog forum and it is hard for me to spread myself out but I love ruthann and have wondered about her so I popped over....

This was a wonderful idea to share your story and I hope I am not hurting the story by dropping in and telling you to stay strong...and Good Luck

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NoMoreTears



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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Sat Jun 08, 2013 10:07 am

6/8/13 Dose 75mg

Thank you for keeping me going. Pretty funny because I was just thinking about quitting doing this posting and yourself and Dee have encouraged me to keep doing it.

Went to Therapy yesterday and am working on Cog Behavioral Therapy. This stuff is really working. It's hard to believe the number of treatment centers I've been in and they never talked about this type of work. Changing and understand automatic thoughts and how much thoughts influence the way i feel. I'm starting a notebook to file all my work from this guy. Over 5 years I've been going to different people. Because of changes in insurance and moving I switched between about 5 of these therapists. None of them did I ever connect with and a few of them were pretty weird anti-social types. Not trying to judge, but seriously they were off. Well this guy I've been seeing I connect with. We have good laughs, i respect him and he's smart and most of all he cares.

Now that I've been going down 1mg a day I have been fine. I slept in until 5am today and didn't sleep yesterday afternoon.

I'm still really excited about getting off. I have seen two reports in the past two days on local news about the overdoses on smack. In a little town there were 10 overdoses in like two weeks. One of those kids died...

I just saw an old cronnie at the store and he said that even the old timers are OD'ing... Meaning be careful because the dope really varies in potency right now.

If anyone wants to see a pretty funny movie check out Silver Linings. It shows how everyone has problems and we can still fall in love and have fun even though were not perfect.
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NoMoreTears



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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Sun Jun 09, 2013 9:28 am

6/9/13 Dose 74mg


Methadone treatment was really good for me. It gave me time to slow down and mellow out and do a lot of soul searching. It actually gave me a chance to snap back into reality.

I'm going to get my old job back. I made mistakes, but I'll be the best Systems Engineer ever now! I'm excited about it and I'm also nervous. It's going to be exciting. I really did well for 10 years...

It's going to be a great life! I thank God the nightmare has subsided. When i wanted to be an SE there were tons of people knocking the idea and telling me i couldn't do it. Then when I got the promotion, my own friends I could tell weren't even happy for me! Well you learn a lot about things through experience. I'm going to make it in this industry again. I wanted to have another home and get married for good again. Maybe even raise a kid that is stuck in foster care if the woman I'm with is down with it. I just want to do some good with my talents and success when it comes again. I was so wasteful before buying Porsche 911's, eating out every night with no worries of cost. I blew through 10g's a month NO PROBLEM!

I slept a lot yesterday and slept all night. This methadone is really a heavy medication. I sent in my resume, but I'm thinking I should get off the program before I start a new job. I always have to travel working and that may screw everything up. I even got that nervous feeling when I was sending it! That's a good thing because I know it's real.

I cant believe how excited I am. Because my addiction brought me so low I didn't think I could ever get back to where I had been. I know that's not true anymore. Through the work with my therapy, going to groups combined with the methadone program and a lot hard work I know I can. I came up here to write again in my journal about it.

I'll keep you all posted on my progress. I'm not going to get the work until I'm off the program because of travel. Also, i have to lose this weight to fit into my wardrobe that I still have for work. I'm going to do this... Im so glad I don't have any tattoos below my elbows. I mean I'm covered pretty good on my arms my back and one on my chest, but no one can see unless I have a short sleeve on. I thank God for that because during the time I was so wild i was tattooing like mad. Ha, ha...
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Finallyachance

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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Sun Jun 09, 2013 6:58 pm

I just wrote out this three page heart felt story about something I have never shared with anyone and I lost it so I am wondering if I was suppose to not tell. I hit some key and boom it was gone. I was crying and my eyes were mismanaging my strokes.

My purpose in writing the story was to bring to you the advice never to take addiction for granted. I do think abstinence is a better choice than MMT if it is possible but I have to know I have tried it off and on for thirty years to always end in relapse because I forgot that I was an addict and I suffer these demons that make me want to use in times of happiness and sadness. It will always be there.

This story was very profound as to me it is not a story but a real life incident where I witnessed a man at forty years sober, 40 years active NA/AA fellowship and a 40 year drug and alcohol counselor in Daytona Beach Florida. A few years ago he was found in his van with a needle in his arm and a few other details that go with the story I struggle sometimes daily with...

To know this man you would never believe he would relapse. NEVER and he never did MMT in those forty years. He lived abstinence and blissful sobriety...Either he forgot or he was in a suicide mission not sure which but as bad as this sounds I swear I hope it is not as simple as he forgot. But it does make me see that there is a chance for one to forget and the outcome can be devastating... Keep writing even after you detox so you never forget.
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NoMoreTears



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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Mon Jun 10, 2013 9:32 am

6/10/13 Dose 73mg

Thank you FinallyaChance! You are right about what you said! I'm going to 2 new AA meetings this week. I'm going to try and find a smaller group. The one's I've been going to since on MMT have been like 40 to 100 people depending on the day! I know a ton of people, but I don't share that much and can sort of stay on the fringes, which I like.

If anyone is on MMT and reading this the best thing i ever did was stay clean on MMT. I went to meetings every week. I went to probably 5 a week. Also, I started therapy while on MMT, which has been really great.

I feel really good right now. For some reason my sleep is really good also. I feel 100% better than when I was at 145mg's.

While on a walk yesterday I realized I'm one job away from the house, new car and woman. I mean when I land another SE job those things will be easy as pie. But, those things won't change me! I'm still me with more money and more stuff.

The last five years of addiction I had it all. If anyone where to have seen me on the outside I was rolling. Lived on the water, had a rental house, 3 cars (ha, ha) and always dressed with new threads. But, I was miserable! Seriously, I couldn't get enough of anything to fill me up.

I ended up in jail many times and then in a shelters and homeless unless I went back to my girls house that I couldn't stand to be at anymore. It taught me so much because I appreciate a good dinner every time I eat one now! I appreciate everything SO MUCH now that I went through every thing I went through!

My little brother died on accident after being clean 18months. It was the worst few years of my life after that. I still break down yearly morning his death. I miss him everyday actually and can't wait to see him again.

I'm going to work to get really involved with my groups. I have been doing that at my clinic and I'm going to continue even after I get off the clinic. It will be really good for the people in there to understand what's going on with me after I get off the Done.

Well, I'm glad I met you and Dee. It's pretty funny how I can actually like someone I have never see or met. It really shows how powerful our words are.

Eating healthy again and walking and hitting the gym also. Gym 3 times a week. My Therapist is an action guy, which has been really good for me...

I'm a really fast typer, that's why these entries end up being a short book. I can type as quick as I think almost! Smile
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NoMoreTears



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PostSubject: Re: I'm getting off Methadone. I'm going to document my experience here.   Tue Jun 11, 2013 9:41 am

6/11/13 Dose 72mg


The richest man in the world once said, "A simple life in the fear-of-God is better than a rich life with a ton of headaches." Meaning is far more than money and I have to remember that!

Down to 72mg's and that is over halfway to my goal of being clean. It has been easy and I've had no real withdraw except from 95 to 85, which exceeded that 10% marker I was warned about.

Learned a lot about myself during this first half of getting off. First, I want EVERYTHING right now and don't want to go through any of the Journey. Second, I create most of the withdraw experience in my mind anticipating it and trying to feel it. Third, I need to remember to fear nothing because God is with me! Lastly, I take what I like and leave the rest because a lot of words spoken to me in life are lies and false advice.

I'm grateful today to have such health, my teeth, my mind, shelter, hot showers, great meals and my family! I'm going to stay in gratitude all day.
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