Hello everyone!

I want to thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this not so unique story of my journey . I just turned 43 and would love to say that I'm doing awesome but that just wouldn't be true. I took my first Vicodin ES when I was 18, by the time I had reached 23 I was swallowing 30 to 40 per day at 10 per mouthful. I thought it was crazy to keep eating all those pills on a daily basis so started searching for my next love which I met only two days into my search and their name was non other than Oxycontin I was jumping for joy even though they cost me a whopping $50 per 80 milligram pill that I ate. I was doing so much better now I thought back then to myself, one pill lasted me all day long for just $50? Wow!!!! How can I beat that I thought, until I wasn't feeling so good anymore, not like I was the first few times I ate one. So we all know what happens next, I go to 2 per day , 3 per day and then 4 all within the first month of finding this new love. I went from $50 per pill per day to $200 per day for 4. What to do? Wait , I know I say to myself. So I try snorting the Oxy's and it was off to the races, I got up to snorting 8 of the 80 milligram Oxycontin's per day at $50 each and I somehow managed to keep that habit up for 5 years. Finally everyone in my life was on to me and wanted nothing to do with me. Of course that was after years of putting up with my evil doings. So short version is I checked into a 5 day detox and from there they sent me straight to a methadone clinic which I have now been on for 13 yrs and all without a relapse. So why don't I feel good about it? I'm grateful in so many ways but I'm also so conflicted and it really bothers me. I'm very happy to have found people that I can hopefully relate to and hopefully help someone along the way.

Thanks for sharing your story with us.
May I ask, why are you conflicted? Is it due to the stigma attached to MAT? People who have never "been there" won't understand. Some may at some point in their lives, but many won't.
I have family members who tell me every day how proud they are of the progress that I've made and at the same time, some tell me they just don't see why I choose MAT. I've tried educating the ones who don't get it and for now, we've agreed to disagree.
My life is good, it's where I want it to be and I'm alive.

Thanks for caring enough to ask that.
I guess it's that I kind of feel like a prisoner in my own body. There are things I would like to do in life but I can't because I'm on this medicine . Careers I want to try and can't because I need my meds. No matter what I know that every 14 days I have to be at home in order to pick them up. People say well start to taper down and then before you know it you'll be off the stuff and then you can go for it. Easier said than done. I start sweating 1 day without it, I know that it's in my mind at that point but can't help it. The fear I get when I think about going through withdrawls or making it while off the meds I can't even put into words. I always seem to feel so alone when it comes to going through these thoughts. Thanks again for caring

The fear of withdrawal, I believe, is what keeps me where I am. Sure, my primary care provider would be happy to help me with she calls "comfort meds" if I decide to take the steps to nothing, but how far is she willing to go with comfort is in the back of my mind.
I've been in therapy, groups and I see a psychiatrist. I've done this for the last 14 years. My whole recovery. I've learned to do things different, manage my anger better and cope in different ways, so I am not really afraid of that part of my life. It always leads back to withdrawal. How long will it be? How will I function? Can I even function? Not a road I want to do down.

Being tied to a medication really does suck. Planning a life around 14 days sucks. If they can come up with a medication like Suboxone. Ok, maybe not the medication itself. A program like Suboxone, then why can't they allow people who take Methadone the same freedom?
I mean really, most people who are on Suboxone start out by visiting their doctor or clinic a couple maybe three times a week in the beginning, but that doesn't last long. Soon after starting, patients are allowed to take their prescriptions to a pharmacy once a month.
Methadone patients should be allowed the same.
You can really, as long as you are able to find a provider that is linked to a program, you are able to have your meds prescribed. But where do you find someone like that? They don't exactly advertise their services in the Yellow Pages.
I apologize for the rant. It is a subject that I've never really understood, I don't think I ever will. It just doesn't make sense.

I do want you to know that you're not alone. Anytime that you feel like venting, thinking or even just rambling. You are more than welcome to come here and let it out.