Just Wondering

I joined for the occasional support thing.. I've been using methadone treatment as a way of life now for nearly twenty years in one form or another.
To be honest, I forgot you were here and it's not because I don't care, it's just that I have so many unorganized bookmarks now and they take forever to reorganize them I hope it's not offensive, but you got lost in the crowd. I was thinking of an emoticon for this so I'll just point to all of them at once if that gets the point across. <---------<---------

I've been through the ringer with treatment. There is nothing they can say to me anymore that shocks me. The most they do now is to moderately annoy the piss out of me, but I get over it.
I quit expecting takeouts years ago because where i go they find any excuse whatsoever to refuse them.
Can't pee one day? No takeouts..Can't pee three times within ..forever??.... You get booted out. I'm considered to be using because my kidneys are screwed up and I can't pee on demand and the reason my kidneys are messed up? I have to hold it continually when I wake up for fear of having to give a UA (piss in a cup for the uninitiated) on demand. Holding your urine every single day of your life is not healthy at all, but tell that to the methadone clinic system in the US or anywhere for that matter.
I often can't pee with a full bladder and what might cause that? Colon problems maybe? Well, methadone is constipating.. no wonder! Crap a brick out every 9 days for twenty years and you too might not be able to pee on demand...ever!
I get a shy bladder in front of day light, lack of day light and everything in between then stick an arrogant as hell black woman with an attitude standing right outside the peeping window and...well, I come ready to pee at ANY time and then wait in the waiting room for my dose, jump in the car, drive home and stand there hoping to let out a half gallon of the delightful yellow stream...I expect to die of old age before my time any day now...
I have so much to live for...so whatever you do don't give away the ending! It'll probably end with me selling my soulless atheist soul for street drugs when I can't pee that 3rd time.
That's why I keep my dose as low as my body can tolerate...25 mgs or less..
Any support for that problem?

Thanks.

No offense intended, but I have to be honest and I've probably said it before, but I no longer think of suicidal feelings as mental illness. I used to, but I've lived nearly my entire adult life with these feelings, have attempted more times than most and not once has a single therapist or shrink given me a real alternative.
They'll tell me how many people "depend on me" and how they'll miss me, but have never told me what's in it for me if i remain alive another 5-10 or even 20 years.. So I get to watch this crappy world keep spinning around while millions continue to starve, get bombed and otherwise live under oppressive conditions that only benefit the richest citizens? OH GOSH! I just can't wait for more of that..
I'm disabled, can't work and don't qualify for help of any kind so what's the point?
Our world stinks and isn't going to get better because so many people have been sold on the idea that anyone who ever made a mistake at any point in their lives must be made to pay no matter how benign the mistake was.
Well, right now I'm not particularly suicidal, but on the same hand I no longer care if I die tomorrow.. I'm no longer doing things to prevent it. I have no desire to live years and years. The world no longer gives me reasons to want to..
I hear about all kinds of idiots who want to live forever as if this life is worth wanting to be a decrepit, elderly person where all media is based around youth as IF any of us will live forever and anymore I don't think it makes a hill of beans worth of difference if I, you or anyone else lives another 50 years or another 50 seconds. The world will still stink just as much.
Maybe my outlook will someday change, but from how it looks from my own little personal hell I have serious doubts. The world makes tiny changes for the better, but for every step forward we always take 5 backwards. The same greedy bastards will still run the show for themselves and poor suckers like me will remain poor regardless of how hard we try to change things. I missed my shot years ago and there are no more shots. I'm poor and will remain as such and I should want to live longer? If someone could ever give me one legit reason to change my mind I'm listening. The fact that others might care is of very little if any condolence. Many people say they care, but those are just words. Words mean very little from the vast majority out there anymore.
Anyone can say they care so much, but the bottom line is I'll still be in the same rotten hole with no way out no matter how much someone says they care. Actions are different, but in 50 years I've seen almost zero action..just empty words denying me and everyone who feels the same as i do the simple pleasure of opting out of life...after all.. It's Mental Illness...right?

Thanks..

No offence taken. Although I myself have never attempted suicide, I have had it all around me for most of my life. My mother left behind a family that didn't understand how or why, my sons father left behind a little boy that thought daddy didn't love him enough to stay. Friends, more than I care to count decided that life was just not worth it anymore.
I'm sure that for some people life just isn't worth the suffering they go through daily. But for others I have to wonder. Either way it is a permanent solution for a temporary situation.
There are many good people in this world. I just don't think you've had the opportunity to come across them. These days so many people are so busy trying to catch up with what everyone else is doing they don't stop to think about what they can do to help. A kind gesture goes a long way.
I do hope that you are able to experience some of the kindness that is out there.
I guess I am one of the lucky ones. I live in a state that seems to care about their residents, we have medical, food and heat.
I come on these forums daily and I do it because I care. If I can help one person find the help they need or point them in the right direction, then I feel that I have made a difference.
Dee