THOUGHT FOR TODAY - ADDICTION NEEDS SELF HATRED TO BREED...........

I believe that self-hatred is the reason that I am an addict. Self-hatred is something that all addicts have in common. Let’s face it, if we liked ourselves, even a little, would we be so eager to put an unknown substance, something potentially fatal, a poison, in our body? Would we feed our children, our grandmother, the drugs that we take? Hell, no! We do it because we hate ourselves. Addiction needs self-hatred to breed and we, as addicts, posses this self-hatred.

I loathed myself. I certainly didn’t like the way I looked or talked. I’m ugly, too fat and too skinny, too short and too tall, everything I say is stupid. I hated all of my thoughts and feelings. I’m too emotional, I have no emotions, I’m cold and heartless. I hated my actions and reactions. Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do this? I shouldn’t have said that. Why can’t I keep my mouth shut! My very act of breathing made me sick. I wanted to be dead!

I was too much of a coward to blow my brains out and end my life quickly so, subconsciously, I chose a passive suicide. The demon inside me said, I will kill you in a slow, painful way. You will suffer! I will steal you pride, morals, values, and self-respect. I will strip you of any life. Bring on the HEROIN!

For these reasons, I didn’t have a problem stabbing myself with dirty needles. I didn’t have a problem walking through extremely dangerous areas at 3am. Did I mention, heroin also took my sense of reality? I forgot I was a five foot tall, 103 lb. white girl. I thought I belonged in the projects at 3am. I didn’t feel out of place at all. Heroin gave me a sense of belonging along with invisibility, no matter where I went (or, maybe I just didn’t care what happened to me).

I believe there are ways to overcome this self-hatred. You may not know the root of the self-hatred, but in many cases it can be improved. It just takes time and practice. Here are some examples of things I did that worked for me:

Think of someone that you like and admire. What qualities do these people have? Make a list of those qualities and act in ways that someone with these qualities would act. If you do this long enough, they will become your qualities.

Another way I found to improve the way I feel about myself is to help other people. If you are an addict like me, in your active addiction, you did nothing but hurt, steal from, and walk on other people whenever they gave you the opportunity. You probably feel some shame and guilt about the things that you have done. Helping others can let you begin to replace the guilt and shame feelings with feelings of self-worth and pride. Believe it or not, doing little things to help people out will add up and your feelings about yourself will change.

One final thing that I want to mention that helped me: Every day when I’d wake up, I would decide that I was going to approve of all my actions today. If I wouldn’t approve of someone I liked doing this or that, then I wouldn’t do it. At the end of the day, I would ask myself – Did I do anything that hurt myself or someone else today? Being able to say “no” to this question made me feel good about myself. And I should feel good about myself because this is a huge accomplishment for someone that was living life as a junkie the way I was. After a few days, I could think to myself, “Wow! I haven’t done anything to fuck up my life in a week!”

These 3 things I’ve suggested may sound stupid to you, but when Icontinue to do these things, I started to find that I no longer had anything to lie about and I even stopped going to jail! The self-hatred will started to disappear and I will began to like myself.

Just try it! What have you got to lose?!

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THIS COMES FROM "THROUGH MY EYES: ONE JUNKIES PERSPECTIVE"

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