THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: ADDICTIVE THINKING: Preoccupied with Past Thoughts

You are driving in your car and for some reason in your mind you are going over something that happened in the past. You are thinking about what you could have said, should have done, would now do differently. Why are we preoccupied with past thoughts?

I talk a lot now about how I want to live in the day. "One day at a time", "Twenty-four hours a day". But it dawned on me that I spend an awful lot of time going over past experiences in my mind.

It would be one thing if I was thinking of fond memories or something like that but it is usually more along the lines of an altercation with someone or some sort of confrontation. I waste time thinking about all the should of, could of, would of's. It's so ridiculous. What I really need to concentrate on is getting on with life.

I have been trying to become more conscious of this so that I can change my thinking patterns. Now when I start to dwell on a past experience I shift my thinking to something else. I try to think about positive thoughts.

It really is work to police my thoughts like this but I am hoping that the more often I do it the easier it will become. I am finding more and more that I have peace of mind throughout the day.

Instead of thinking what I really should have said to Sally last week when she pissed me off, I now think what it would be like to be filled with peace. I just starting thinking about how my mind could feel peaceful right this moment and before I know it, that is exactly what I feel.

You know that old saying in addiction recover "act as if". I'm acting as if I have peace of mind and that is exactly what follows.

Peace of mind to me equals happiness. Happiness comes from inside of yourself, not from anything external. If I can have peace of mind no matter what is going on in my life, I am truly happy.

I hate it when all that I can think about (for example) is that time in 4th grade where I had a horrible birthday party. I still feel bad for my mom to this day. These bad memories keep circling in my thought process and I hate it! I wish there was a way to get them out or healed.

As cheesy as this sounds and as hard as it is, you have to just let them go. I remember quite a few things that still haunt me sometimes late at night when I am laying in bed and can't sleep and my heart aches to this day about some of the things I did to others and others did to me in the past. I finally had to tell myself, there is nothing I can do to change the past and just try to do better in the future.

Another cheesy idea, but it sure helped me is I wrote down all these things that bothered me from the past. Again, things that I had done or had done to me and I took them out into the woods and I buried them and while I was burying them I kept telling myself that I was LEAVING THEM HERE and saying good bye to those horrible memories. Anytime they tried to come back on me I would remind myself (sometimes I had to and still have to say this out loud!) that I left those feelings FOR DEAD and I buried them. I will NOT allow them to bring me down anymore. Burning them would work or tearing them up and setting them loose over the water........anything that gives you one last time to feel bad about it and then LET IT GO.

Again, I know how cheesy this may sound but it did help me. This is also why I think it is so important that we as MMT pts participate in some type of recovery therapy type program in addition to MMT. I personally like the 12 step program (up to the part about them thinking that MMT pts are not really in recovery) but just like I do from other things such as church or some speaker I may be listening to that I think has the right intent about what they are saying but I might disagree with a few minor issues or beliefs, I take from them what I can use to help myself and leave the rest behind.

IN MY OPINION it does no good to just get medicated without working on the real reason behind our addiction. I don't care if you became addicted after surgery or an injury, some reason or feeling or something was causing you to still use the meds after you no longer needed them for physical pain. If you use it properly, you shouldn't have too much trouble w/the physical aspect of pain med usage, it is when you start abusing them that the additive behaviors and such come in to play. So I don't believe it when someone says they were abusing pain killers for several years or even months but it wasn't because they were trying to mask any feelings or self medicate or to "feel good". Why else would you take something to make you "feel good" if you were happy and feeling fine already?

So, as I said, I think it is so important for us as MMT pts (methadone OR suboxone) to work some type of therapy or recovery program in addition to being medicated. That is just my personal opinion though and just like I always seem to do I GOT OFF TOPIC! lol!. Sorry 'bout that.

We do need counseling in MMT. That is why I have an addiction the size of Texas, to disguise or block all of those crappy feelings that come back. Counseling is needed to let go of all those "rotten" feelings. It sad but true, I used to make my mind feel better! Plain and simple.