Methadone: A Flicker Of Light In The Dark

Methadone: A Flicker Of Light In The Dark

To provide a better understanding of the very important role methadone plays in the treatment of addiction.
 
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 Sharing a little of myself

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lilgirllost
Admin
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Female
Number of posts : 863
Age : 46
Location : live in Louisiana but attend MMT clinic in Tx
Job/hobbies : COUPONING & GEOCACHING are my favorite past times but I also love reading and spending time with my husband and kids
Humor : I don't have a sense of humor.............
Registration date : 2009-05-25

PostSubject: Sharing a little of myself    Tue Oct 12, 2010 10:23 am

I originally was just going to say a short something under the Thought for the Day section, but for whatever reason I kept writing and couldn't SHUT UP! lol! I don't know if someone else needs to hear it or what, but I felt really compelled to share this with you guys and what started out as just a sentence or two took on a life of itself. I don't normally go into so much detail about my personal stuff so you guys I apologize in advance if this is TMI, but I feel real strongly that someone needs to hear what I have to share today.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am not normally an emotional person on the outside. I try to keep things to myself and not let on what I am really feeling no matter if it is happy feelings, angry feelings or hurt feelings. I would always for some reason, fear showing my "true self" to people. I don't know if it's because I didn't want ppl to see my vulerabilities or if it was some type of protection mechinism I had going on. In some ways, as wierd as it may sound, to me it was a sign of weakness to show emotions to others......also, if you didn't put your feelings out there, you couldn't be hurt.

The problem with that is you can't keep stuffing something so volitile as emotions into a space without taking something out. Eventually you don't have room for everything and you will end up with a massive overflow spewing out when you least expect it and you would NEVER know what it was that was coming out.........good, bad, ugly or otherwise.

I think that is what led to my love affair with opiates in the first place. After a while of not showing those emotions and trying to "keep the happy face on" it gets harder and harder to do. Pretending that everything is ok when inside you are crying and hurting is near impossible when it goes on for any length of time......unless of course you have your drug of choice to help soothe those pains and hurts. Then it was easy to stifle those feelings and emotions. People wouldn't know if I was hurting or happy or sad about something and I didn't have to FEEL those emotions. Happy was few and far between but the other emotions were always there at the ready everytime I turned around and it got harder and harder to bear.

One of the main things I learned in recovery is you have to learn, or should I say RElearn that it's ok to have feelings and to feel bad, sad, upset, angry or happy and you have to allow yourself to go through those feelings and to feel them. Especially the bad feelings.

We also have to learn to let go of things that we can't change. Your parents divorced when you were 8 and your brother was 7 and your whole life was turned upside down,you were sexually abused for the most part of your childhood by more than just one person, at 11 yrs old your dad put you and your brother on an airplane because his wife didn't want you to live with them anymore and the last your heard from him was him telling you he loved you and giving you a phone number for his brother because he didn't even know for sure if the person on the other side of the country he was sending you to was going to even be there to take you in when you got off the plane, your moms husband makes a sexual advance on you at 13 but when you tell your mom, she doesn't believe you, calls you a liar and stays with the man, your father finally gets in touch w/you after 5 yrs and apologizes and tells you he's sorry and he wants to try to rebuild a relationship with you but then 2 months later you find out that he killed himself, at 17 the same step dad makes another sexual advance on you and once again your mom calls you a liar......I could go on and on and you can insert any number of your own hurts in these blanks ........... The fact remains that you nor I can do anything about those horrible things that have already taken place. We can't change them no matter how hard we wish we could go back and do something different so we have to learn to let these past hurts go and move on with our lives.

We could be bitter about what happened and the childhood that was stolen from us or the parent that we lost or the stable life that was yanked out from under your feet but again, that is no way to live. You CAN'T sustain life with such crushing pressure and weight from past hurts pushing you down. Yes, the numbing effect that we got from drugs worked REALLY well for a time, but eventually thsoe same drugs will let us down too. We know all to well that a time finally comes and the drugs wear off and those same pains and hurts are STILL there! We have to find a way to deal with our emotions in a healty way. It is the only way we can finally be FREE and live a happy, sober life.

I use to think that happiness and being truely free was a fairy tale or just a pipe dream that most ppl aspired to reach. I thought that ppl who claimed to be so happy were liars and fakers just like I was. But I finally know what true happiness and contentment is. I don't hide from my feelings anymore because you miss out on the good feelings when you are trying to stifle all feelings. I would never know the way my heart melts when my son smiles at me and throws his arms around my neck, I would never know the way it makes me feel to sit on the lake shore and watch a beautiful sunset and the full moon rise and reflect off the water so big and bold, I would never know the feeling of love I feel when I look at my husband when he looks at me and smiles his grin that always makes my heart flutter even after 17 yrs of marriage or to feel that welling up of love I feel when I peek in at one of our boys sleeping so peaceful and KNOW that I have used the past hurts I have gone through to make their childhood better than mine ever was and THAT is why they have that peaceful look in their faces while they sleep.

As cheesy and corny as that may sound, those times far outweigh the hurts of today and I have learned to use the hurts of yesterday to make a better life for myself, my husband and my children. We have to find a way to be content with ourselves and our feelings. It's not some pipe dream or unattainable level of contentment and peace. I know that now. It wasn't easy getting here and it's not easy to stay here, but I like to think I am a person that learns from my past mistakes. I was given a second chance with my husband and our boys and though it may still be a stuggle sometimes and every now and then I miss that numbing and false sense of well being my drug of choice gave me, I know those things are only temporary and that contentment and peace are something I can always have and so can the rest of us.

Thanks for letting me share with you guys.



RuthAnn
aka lilgirllost

We are not bad people trying to become good, we are sick people trying to become well.

Methadone; A Flicker Of Light In The Dark
www.medicalassistedtreatment.org
www.suboxoneassistedtreatment.org
We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
If you cannot afford to call us, send us an email and
we will call you at our expense.
Office: 1-770-334-3655~ Cell: 1-770-527-9119
Email: mrdeanv@aol.com
ALL INFORMATION IS KEPT STRICKLY CONFIDENTIAL
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gagirl30248



Female
Number of posts : 9
Age : 42
Location : Locust Grove, GA
Job/hobbies : Photographer, Methadone Advocate
Registration date : 2011-07-28

PostSubject: Re: Sharing a little of myself    Fri Jul 29, 2011 7:16 pm

I need you to know....You wrote this for me. There is one thing that happened to you that also happened to me. I have never met anyone who went through that. I am onlt a year into MMT and I am in the stage of trying to deal with some really nasty stuff that a child should never go through. I would love to ask you a few questions on a more private leval. If that is ok let me know'
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lilgirllost
Admin
avatar

Female
Number of posts : 863
Age : 46
Location : live in Louisiana but attend MMT clinic in Tx
Job/hobbies : COUPONING & GEOCACHING are my favorite past times but I also love reading and spending time with my husband and kids
Humor : I don't have a sense of humor.............
Registration date : 2009-05-25

PostSubject: Re: Sharing a little of myself    Sun Jul 31, 2011 12:37 am

Hi there. Sorry it has taken me a bit to get back to you and to even welcome you and the latest new members to the group. I am having some heath issues dealing with kidney stones and have been unavailable.



You most definately can speak with me privately. I will send you a private message in your forum email that will contain my contact info. Take care and I hope to hear from you soon!


RuthAnn
aka lilgirllost

We are not bad people trying to become good, we are sick people trying to become well.

Methadone; A Flicker Of Light In The Dark
www.medicalassistedtreatment.org
www.suboxoneassistedtreatment.org
We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
If you cannot afford to call us, send us an email and
we will call you at our expense.
Office: 1-770-334-3655~ Cell: 1-770-527-9119
Email: mrdeanv@aol.com
ALL INFORMATION IS KEPT STRICKLY CONFIDENTIAL
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View user profile
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