Hi there - thanks so much for the welcome. I was really happy when i logged on and saw it.
My name is john and I have been on methadone for about 14 years (I am 37) which scares me immensley - I remember thinking it was going to be so easy to quit heroin and just use the methadone for a few months and move on - how naive!
I will say this though - methadone has allowed me to get my life back. I was using heroin by 18 after starting with other drugs and so dropped out of school, quit working, and started scamming and just being a total loser. Getting on methadone allowed me to get back into the world or work, family, friends, etc. I still was using, but i didnt have to depend on it - i could go for days without it and even weeks, and then months and once a whole year.
I will be honest with you all - i still use heroin and sometimes for weeks on end. I hate myself for it, and always feel so much better about myself when i am totally clean, so the struggle continues - i hope this doesnt make me ineligible to be on this forum. I just want to occassionaly talk to other people in similar situations - I dont relate to any of the people I see at my clinic - not to judge any of them - but its a real awful place where drugs are openly sold and talked about and a lot of very desperate people congregate. I feel like I am living 2 lives - I get up, head to this place to get my drink and have to line up with ppl in this dingy hole, and then I am off to work, where I produce television shows with people who have NO idea what my real life is about (get this, I recently was asked to story produce on the show intervention - how ironic is that - needless to say I had to say no). I work freelance, so i go from show to show and I really love what I do and have worked VERY hard to get to this point (no education, started as a PA photocopying, and doing coffee runs) but i loved it and thrived and methadone allowed me to not be sick every morning and so i could get out of bed and face the world.
I do wish I could be free of it all - honestly who wouldnt - I am not dumb and I know it cant be great for my health to be shooting smack occassionally and drinking methadone everyday - and i feel like i am coming to some kind of massive change in my life soon... the dreams I have been having are crazy. I have a addict father (booze) who is now in AA and is doing so well and he tries to talk to me about it, but its hard for him - i am his gay son, which was super hard for him to accept but he does now and i love him for it - he grew up catholic in ireland and now he doesnt even listen to the catholic church because they spew so much hatred towards gays - i am so proud of his growth. He isnt doing well health wise, and my biggest regret in life will be if I cant show my dad I am drug free before he dies - i know it breaks his heart.
gosh I am going on and on - i hope this isnt boring
i have 3 sisters, 2 of which have kids, and 2 of which are married to police officers - LOL
they are all amazing and i love them all so much and each of them has been supportive in some way. They use to (in the beginning) try to do interventions, etc but now they know they cannot change me, only love me, and that is hard. I want to be the strong, successful, drug free brother they want (I have the successful part down, and I am strong in a lot of ways - but drug free? not so much). Not that it affects my life that much.
OK, that was a lie - of course it does.
I am not open to love - although i desperatly want to be in a relationship, I keep myself protected whenever I met other guys interested because of my secrets - I would love to be an openly gay proud uncle in a relationship to my neieces and nephews but I havent had a boyfriend since I was in my 20's and totally messed up. I cant even think about sex unless I am wasted and its annonymous - its a problem, I know.
So, to sum it up, late 30's, gay male, somewhat cross addicted, tv producer, in major city with great family and some great friends (drug free), who is somewhat moving forward but still stuck in so many ways...
nice to meet you all.