[b]Should I stay at my clinic or find a new one as I feel targeted. [/b]

Please note my panic is shown in Bold highlite

In November it will be two years for me in MMT at the same clinic etc... I was doing well at a dose of 160 for quite a while when all of a sudden I felt some cravings and withdrawals right before my 24 hour mark. I am really hard to stick and the only way for a increase was thru a peak and trough and upon admission and a hep C test they were never able to draw my blood. They wrote it off and so no increase and no peak and trough. Well about six months ago I suffered a relapse. And boy was that a big deal. Ever since then the nurses have been smart with me. I am a very likable person and it amazes me the crap they say to me at the dosing window. It is always the same two nurses. When I went from Liquid to wafers they both made comments to me about why the change since they no longer wet pills everyone is switching to wafers etc... Whats your reasoning I popped out a brand new top plate in my mouth and said my teeth are falling apart crumbling to pieces and the dentist told me that maybe I should do the wafers instead of the syrup and both laughed and said well now thats a new one. I felt like I was back on the streets taking the crap from my family or well doers. For months I was being questioned about a second EKG I needed to have done as I was 540 on my admission one and because I go so early in the morning they never are able to do one so one of them said somethin about me figuring out how to avoid the EKG was coming in early. I go in early cause my mother and I have a shop we open everyday at 8am and an hour away.etc....

The other day I went in, I go once a week and my counselor flagged me to come see her and when I did she told me the doctor has a policy to pull a couple of patients to have peak and troughs and I had been chosen. Well I then reminded her that I am imposible to stick and most all times I have to get a shunt in my neck to get blood from me and she remembered that I was impossible the two times they tried one time stuck me 9 times the other 11 times etc... but she acted funny and said oh well I guess they better be prepared in the lab for you then I will remind them. Well then I went to dose and one of the not so nice nurses looked at me real funny and said how do you take your meds and I said with water and she said no i mean do you take them all at one time or a couple in the morning and the other later in the day I said no I did not know that was a option she said its not but you never what yall do with your meds. I thought her attitude was snide plus she the other nurse whispered loudly across the cubicle for her to ask me what happened to the flag for my second EKG it is no longer in the computer FIRST OF ALL LIKE I WOULD EVEN KNOW HOW TO ANSWER THAT but she never ask me and I just walked away. I feel like I am back in the crazy world of street addiction instead of the safety of MMT. what can I do? I am hopeless right now and so scared. So I go to the clinic Monday for the first of the three day series for the Peak and Trough and when I get to the admin window to check in the young lady said before you can dose you need to have your yearly physical and an EKG. Just as I expected the EKG now has become an issue again the physical I had never heard of and...... in the two years I have never had one except on admission and.... when I ask a couple of other clients they had never heard of a yearly physical either. So I go see my counselor and she looks in the computer and says yep I did not flag you tho someone from the home office must have cause I was not aware you were behind on any EKG or a physical she looked quite perplexed. Powerless as I must be a good client or I will be punished as I have seen happen to others, I do the EKG and Physical and Now, I think I have good results from the physical and EKG.

It was the nurses first day at the clinic Monday and so she was being very thorough. My Temp was 97.2 my BP was 106 over 70 and my pulse rate was 88 with 16 for respirations. I explained to her Tthe new nurse about the EKG being 540 three months after I was admitted and she instantly started talking about maybe I need to switch to Suboxone. I let her ramble for a minute then I told her I do not want to be on Suboxone and I freak out at the very thought of being decreased or taken off the methadone as this has been the only success I have ever had with maintaining myself from being back on dope. I could tell she felt me and she said well lets hope for better EKG results, which panicked me and then I was afraid that panic would alter my results etc.... But I held it together and did not look desperate etc... I told her I had been hspitalized for gallstones earlier in the year and they did a EKG and when I told them about the one I had here they seemed to think maybe there had been a miscalculated test. God love this nurse (She says she is a nurse practitioner) tho she was trying very hard to please me and treat me with compassion and care it was refreshing to have a new attitude in this clinic, but I must say I fear she will never make it being so nice the other nurses are rude and will not like the comparision one may make. She told me to stay very still and as it was coming out she started saying oh my this one is much better I can not see the QTC yet but the rhythms etc... look much better. Then she said well good this one reads 454 QTC which isnt perfect but much better So I got up off the table feeling a lot better about things Lets say I was Happy.

Well that happiness was robbed from me when I got to the dosing window. Same two nurses as usual and I walked up put my box up on counter unlocked it and before I got it all the way open the nurse reached in and got all my bottles out pressed them all up against her chest and said I will be keeping these. (i had several takehomes still left but cause I was to have P&K my counselor told me to bring them in everyday for three days so they are observed for the pre P&K requirements.) When she grabbed my bottles out of my box, It caught me off guard the way she took them so hastily before I knew what to say I said Why? and she said, Because I can. Then we looked at each other for a silent minute and then she said plus there isnt anything that says I can't is there? WTF was my feeling at that very moment. She saw I was taken back and I think she even recognized her hatefulness so she went into this dialogue of how I need to be in tomorrow at 6 30 am and Wednesday at 6 30 am and she will dose me and I have to wait ten minutes on wednesday and then I can leave for 4 hours then I am to return to the clinic. and..... at that time I will give you back your Thursday dose. I get my take homes on Fridays.

I left the window and went to my counselor and sat down in the chair and said whats up? I told her what the nurse had done and how and what she had said and my counselor ask me if I wanted to fill out a grievance I said No cause it will make matters worse, but I want to know what it is that is making me feel so anxious all these policies and procedures I never have had before etc... have all of a sudden become an urgent necessity etc.... I ask her up front if something is wrong with my treatment had something been said etc..... She said no that I had been a very good client and if anyone had or ever would say anything to try to compromise my standing with my phase or dose it would all be heresay and therefore would not change any course of my treatment etc....She went further to say my goodness we get calls from mad spouses, ex friends, etc.... telling us that so and so is taking benzos or diverting their meds etc.... we can not go on that that in drug treatment there can be a load of drama and it goes on all the time in the clinic. I should not be worried about that because I do as I am suppose to with my methadone. I take as directed but like I said they started treating me rudely when I went to florida, an old stomping ground six months ago and I relapsed and flunk a test when I got back and the nurses or let me say those two nurses have been smart with me since then. Anyway later that day my counselor called me and ask me to file a grievance she said she told her supervisor what the nurses had said and done on those few days and they both felt I needed to file a grievance on the nurses. So I did and the Director wants to see me wednesday. SO ALL THE ABOVE WORRIES ME AND............

Now, My new worry is will the doctor decrease my dose by the results of the P&K and/or EKG and if he does, will it will be too late to change clinics on the dosage I am on now as I assume the new clinic will have to go by the orders on my chart even if it is a brand new order. I have this little feeling (called Gut or Birdy feeling) telling me to go ahead and change now so he does not have the chance and/or time to change/decrease my dose. The reason I am paranoid and think I may be decreased is why would he make me have these test the other day? I understand the EKG to a certain extent because I went a whole year and a half avoiding and ducking my head at the many request to get my EKG repeated as my first one showed my QTC's at 540 and that was at 90 days after admission and now a year and half later, all in one day at the request I guess of the doctor I am told the doctor scheduled me for a P&K. Why would he do that unless he thinks my dose is too high at 160. Then the day I show up for that mandatory doctor requested P&K, I had to take the EKG I had avoided for so long plus a yearly physical that I never heard of as I have been there 2 years and never had one yearly physical within 2 years. So needless to say I feel targeted for some reason. My counselor swears I am not under any target and/or attack. She says he picked two of her clients for the mandatory P&K and she did not flag me to have a physical or EKG, but she thinks that the home office went thru some records online and saw some things charts were lacking and they flag them. Does that sound right to yall or fishy?
The nurse had told me on the 90 day EKG (a year and half ago) that methadone might not be appropriate for me if I run high QTC's which for a year and a half I have worried they will take me off methadone or decrease me down lower than 160. but my EKG the other day was 450 not 540 anymore but the new nurse ( it was he first day of course) told me she would have no idea what the clinics policy or the doctors reaction, response and/or tendency is to do with borderline QTC's prolongations as like I said it was her first day. So I heard the doctor was out of town this last week so I think I have about a week to figure out whether to ride it out and chance the decrease or transfer while my dose is unaffected.
I am not real comfortable on 160 and I have relapsed once on this dose, but I never requested a P&K because I have been told they give inadequate results and my dosage could be decreased if the results are calculated by a formula that is ineffective and I knew a request for increase would trigger the EKG too. So now its all been done so my worries are heightened and for sure.
I guess my questions are Does it seem I have been targeted by having so many hoops to jump thru in same day etc.? What about EKG's being a reason to kick u out of methadone treatment? EKG's being a determining factor of decreases? Is there a such thing as mandatory P&K? I thought clients request those. Should I still have to pay the fee for the P&K even tho I didnt ask for it? Why would he want a P&K in the first place?
I KNOW THERE ARE SEVERAL THREADS IN THIS POST LIKE MANDATORY P&K? EKG'S AND DECREASED DOSAGES? GRIEVANCE RETALIATION? WHEN A CLIENT SHOULD SEEK OUT NEW CLINIC? ETC.... I just had to get it all out there. Please help as Wednesday I meet with the director and...... NOW I AM SCARED I MIGHT GET ONE OF THOSE ADMIN DETOX LETTERS SO TO GET ME OUT OF THE CLINIC BEFORE I MAKE WAVES FOR THEM. I NEED ADVICE Sincerely, Finallyachance

Hi there. My name is RuthAnn and I am one of the moderators of the forum. I am sorry to hear of so much going on with you. It can be stressfull enough to deal with ANY one of the things you are talking about, but to have several......I feel for you. Please know that we are here for you to help in any way we can.

What state do you live in? Do you feel comfortable telling me the name of your clinic? If you don't want to post it here, please think about sending me a private message.

I have only had personal experience with three different clinics (two run by the same ppl) but in each of the clinics, once a year we were required to have a physical done. They would take blood for testing blood sugar and other things, take urine to check for blood, ketones and other things (a seperate test from the regular UA for drug screening). This was required every year and usually on the anniversary of your start date in treatment. So to hear that you have not had one in all the time you've been going to this clinic other than when you first started, is kind of surprising to me. Especially hearing that you have had some past issues with your ekg showing the results that you have had in the past. From the research out there, they are saying that ppl on doses over 120mg are more likely to have issues than those who are on lower doses, but usually they also have other cardiac/health issues going on besides just taking methadone doses over 120mg that also make someone more prone to problems.

Alot of times, when you want to go over a dose of 120mg, they do require a peak and trough and/or an EKG. It is against Federal Regulations for them to put a dose cap on a patient "just because" but most of the time, they can interpret the P & T (and any other tests like these) however they wish and there have been times ppl were actually reduced on their dose because of how the doc interpreted it when the patient was originally seeking an increase to begin with! Loooong story, but I have personal experience with this so I know that it does happen. Plus I hear from patients all the time with the same complaint.

Regardless of you having a relapse or not, those nurses should NOT be treating you that way! If anything, because you have been doing so good and then you had a relapse I would think they should be treating you with more compassion than normal because you are going through a hard time! That makes me so angry to hear how they are treating you! They are suppose to be there to help you facilitate and stay on the path to sobriety NOT TO BE YOUR JUDGE AND JURY! And they certainly shouldn't be decreasing your dose as part of "punishing" you for something.

I was having some issues here several weeks ago (after 8 yrs of stablity) when I was dealing with kidney stones and pain from the stones and treatment. Long story but I will try to be brief, I ended up taking my takehome doses trying to treat my self for pain (the doc who was treating my stones refused to give me anything stronger than percocet which does NOT touch my pain) I was elig for once a month take homes and I took them in a two and a half week span of time. When I called my clinic and fessed up what I had done I was terrified of having to go in and see the nurse and the clinic doc because I felt I would be "in trouble" with them. I had had horrible experiences with the other clinic that I attended when something similar happened to me before and I was TERRIFIED of what was going to happen. I imagined having to go back down to level one and go daily (I drive 1 1/2 hours ONE WAY) and I was scared they were going to be "mad" at me and treat me differently because I screwed up.

However, when I got there and I made the comment about knowing I was "in trouble" with them for what I had done, the nurse fussed at me and said "we DO NOT look at it that way. You are not "in trouble" and you are not being a "problem" patient. You are going through a struggle right now and we just want to get you through it and get you back on track"

Then when the doctor came in to see me, I was so nervous about seeing her, she looked at me and walked over to where I was sitting in a chair and HUGGED MY NECK! She hugged my neck and told me it was going to be ok. She did above and beyond what i would have expected from her to try and help me get through this. Now I realize that not all clinics may be as supportive as the one I have now, but they DEFINATELY shouldn't be treating you like they are.

How did they treat you before your relapse? Were they nice to you before and it was only after the relapse that they started treating you badly?


By all means you should be able to file a complaint against them for this treatment, but you and I also know that EVEN THOUGH they are NOT suppose to retaliate against you for complaining against them, they can find ways around that and still make you pay for complaining.

One thing I do want to say though if you are going to go through w/the complaint and/or before you sit down w/the director, BE SURE to sit down and write down everything you can remember about what has been going on. Dates, times, names and what was said. This will go a long way with validating your complaint if you go in there with a diary type of sorts about what has been going on rather than just trying to remember everything off the top of your head. This way you have SPECIFIC information, specific dates and times and a more reliable record of your say about what happened. Also this way you can remember to mention everything and not forget something important when you get in there and get in the middle of things. I know this is tedious and I know this may seem unimportant but PLEASE take my word on this, it is very important for you to do this ESPECIALLY if you are going to go through with it.

It is hard to say if you should transfer clinics or not. That is something you are going to have to decide. If you have another clinic that is close by and you have the option of another clinic, then it may be something to think about. However, either way they are going to get copies of your records from the old clinic so you run the risk of those nurses documenting things in there that may cause you to have a rough start at the new clinic.

It is a hard situation that you are in and we will be here for you which ever way you choose to handle it. If you need to talk to someone, we are here for you so keep it in mind that no matter what, you are NOT alone.

I did send you the name of the clinic, City and State in a private message. I totally can relate to the Kidney Stone issues as this is how and why I ever got on pain meds and began abusing them I get a stone every two years atleast. And...I get gallstones in my bile duct as my gallbladder is gone so I know the pain involved and then on top of that being on a dose of more than 40mg or so of methadone keeps any pain medication from helping with the pain.

Last year when I got a gallstone in my bile duct I had no idea that the methadone would in fact keep me from getting pain relief. And....I could not convince the doctors that maybe I was not getting relief cause I was taking methadone and my tolerance was high to pain med relief. They thought I was crazy when I told them I took 160 mgs of methadone and used that against me instead of for me so they started using non narcotic meds like torradol tramadol etc.... and it threw me into precipitated withdrawal which at that time I knew nothing about so I thought I was dying. The pain was compounded by ten times when they started giving me that stuff.

They ended up keeping me in the hospital for 9 days of pure pain because after they got the stone out they kept giving me the non narcotic stuff that kept throwing me into precipitated withdrawal. Imagine at 6am every morning I would take the methadone but at 8am they would give me tramadol and/or toradol and I would be thrown into withdrawal throwing up diahrea sweats chills legs hurt goosebumps, sneezing yawning etc...About three days in this real young doc figured it out and changed me to 2mg of dilaudid every 4 to 6 hours but because they gave me the 16 pills of 10mg methadone in the A.M. the dilaudid was like aspirin nothin more. Plus I had nurses who would be so rude about giving me the 16 pills they thought I was going to overdose. It was crazy. Unfortunatley my clinic never told me any of the rukes unless I broke one and/or they never told me the things to avoid until I had the experience of telling them what happened and then they told me not to take torradol and/or tramadol ever again.

Actually I think it would be more beneficial for one to go off the methadone in times like stones etc... and be given a high dose of morophine so as to keep methadone withdrawal at bay but let pain medication work.

Welcome to the forum finallyachance.
It is good to have you hear with us. My name is Dee and I apologize for not being here sooner to say hello and welcome.
In reading what you are going through I could feel the fear that you have.
The two nurses that you are talking about are way out of line here. They should be there to offer encouragement not judgement. Your relapse is not something to condemn you for but something that should be looked at in a way of what they might be able to do to help you to ensure your success in recovery.
You are a patient in a medical facility and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

In most clinics yearly physicals are the norm. The one I attended for about four years had us go through a physical every year along with the standard questions about how we were doing. One of the things we were also asked was how our dose was working for us. I've heard a lot of complaints from patients about clinics not wanting to go up on the doses and like RuthAnn said, dose capping is not allowed but it seems some of the clinics find a way around this.


I read on another thread that tomorrow you will see the director along with the two nurses concerning the grievance. Please be sure and take with you anything that you have been able to write down concerning what was said to you, how it was said and when. Having something written down may help the director see that you are not trying to make trouble but only wanting to not be singled out by the nurses in question.
Surely your record of past will show that you have been a good patient, no trouble and so on. Good luck tomorrow and remember that we are here anytime if you need us.
Be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself. Please let us know how it goes.

Yes, please keep us updated about what happens. I would be very interested to see how this plays out. Did you keep track and write down a detailed account to take with you? This way you don't forget anything important, and while it's going to be difficult getting them to take your word over the two nurses (even though I have NO DOUBT they treated you this way) it will help if you have as many details as you can remember about the incidents.......dates, times, names and exactly what happened and everything that was said.

Ok. good luck and again, please keep us posted!

RuthAnn

PS. I did get your msg about with the clinic name, I saw they have a website too. I was going to try and see what other info I could find about them, see if any other pts had complaints or issues as well.

lilgirllost wrote:

PS. I did get your msg about with the clinic name, I saw they have a website too. I was going to try and see what other info I could find about them, see if any other pts had complaints or issues as well.

I have made arrangements to change clinics and I start the process Monday for assess and sign releases. Tuesday I see the Doctor and dose.

I have a few questions I hope you can possibly answer for me please as I respect your opinions and the watchdog forum too so I will be asking them the same.

1. Should I tell the new clinic counselors and/or doctor about any of my problems with the other clinic?
2. Should I speak to the new doc about an increase that I feel I have needed for over a year but because they never could get blood from me for a P&K I never got one and now they did a mandatory P&K it shows me to be a fast metabolizer and my trough is 225 at 24 hour mark? I hope my old clinic will send my P&K I had last week and the EKG so I do not have to go thru another one anytime soon.
3. Should I take my empties back to the old clinic as of Tuesday I will have 6 empties as 6 is my take-home allowance.
4. Should I file the grievance with the State Treatment authority?
5. What are the two accrediting/creditionaling I would file with I think one is CARF and the other one has like three letters? Should I follow up and file that same grievance with them? Are there any other places I should file?
6. And....Very important question. Finally on Friday, 2 days later, the Director called and left message that he had failed to write our appt. down and he apologized for missing it. He made another one for me on Wednesday (even though by then I will be at the new clinic). Should I still go? Or will I be asking for more abuse? I had filed the grievance for my own dignity but I also filed in hopes to help fellow clients in stopping the abuse these two nurses afflict on many others than just me.

Thanks
Finallyachance

lilgirllost wrote:

Yes, please keep us updated about what happens. I would be very interested to see how this plays out. Did you keep track and write down a detailed account to take with you? This way you don't forget anything important, and while it's going to be difficult getting them to take your word over the two nurses (even though I have NO DOUBT they treated you this way) it will help if you have as many details as you can remember about the incidents.......dates, times, names and exactly what happened and everything that was said.

Ok. good luck and again, please keep us posted!

RuthAnn

And.....Ruthann I have went thru all my notes and records about the specific incidents wherein I was treated badly so I am prepared for the rescheduled meeting with the director. Even tho I am changing clinics, I believe that I must still go to the meeting to make way for new clients. So I am going altho I am scared I am setting myself up as the director might be mad thaat I quit before he had a chance to fix it etc....

I admire you for keeping the rescheduled appointment at the clinic, a lot of people would probably move on once they have transferred.
It may help the other patients, it couldn't hurt. Not to be dwelling on the subject of the nurses but I can't get how they spoke to you out of my mind and it really bothers me wondering how many others they do the same thing to. It is plain unacceptable behaviour. Carry your empty bottles with you, offer to give them back, if they want them they can have them.

I don't know about telling the new clinic about your problems though, it would be kind of like starting a new job and talking bad about the place you just left. Even though you were treated badly, you don't want to appear to be a "trouble maker" Later on down the line if you want to talk to your counselor about it that would be different.

I would talk to them about raising your dose though, it's better to go in when you start out and let them know how you feel rather than wait.
I've talked to a lot of patients who have transferred clinics because of the way they were treated at the clinics they were attending, some were treated so badly that once they got to the new clinic they were hesitant about asking for a dose increase or inquiring about their take homes because they were afraid they wouldn't be believed or that once again they would be treated badly.
A bad experience can put a lot of anxiety on a person and it takes time to get over.
The longer a person waits, the harder it gets.

Once you get settled in at your new clinic I'd like to see you go to our website and "Rate your Program" I'll give you the link to that area. You can post about the old clinic and what occurred. You don't have to use your real name if you don't want to. On the form it will ask you your email address but it won't be visible to others.
We have two sections you can post in "Rate your Program", http://medicalassistedtreatment.org/277599/index.html
And "What's your Story", http://medicalassistedtreatment.org/538521.html

We have a lot of people who read our website from all over and it may help someone else who might happen to read it and is having a problem at their clinic.

You asked about filing with the State Treatment Authority, I don't know why not. It cant' hurt you. Most people don't want to file in fear of retaliation but you won't be there any longer and it will at least be on record in case anyone else should happen to file a complaint.

About the accreditation, I went to the website for your clinic. It appears the only accreditation they hold is with CARF.
There should be a sign or certificate of any others hanging on the wall somewhere in the clinic, probably near each other.
The names of other organizations that can accredit methadone programs are:
JCAHO (The commission on Accreditation of Rehabilitation Facilities
COA ( Council on Accreditation)

Here's a link to the complete list of accreditation organizations along with their contact information:
http://dpt.samhsa.gov/regulations/accredbodies.aspx
Hope this helps.

I know this is a long post and I apologize for that. It is the way I am, my son says I explain to much when I talk. It is just me. I wanted to thank you for all of your posts and just say that I hope once all of this is resolved for you, you will continue to post.
Enjoy your day and be proud for standing up for yourself.

I will continue to post and read because even if the new clinic is smooth sailing etc...it is so great being able to just talk about it all. Whenever and however. I so appreciate the quick and very helpful feedback you have provided me and I will be an avid flicker of light advocate and introduce this forum to some personal friends that have also got alot out of the advice as I have shared it with them too.

Wish me luck tomorrow and I will utilize the advice you gave me as it seems to be about the same as all advice I have been given between your site and watchdog site. I did not know if it was allowed or not but I spoke of your site on watchdog and said I really liked your site felt it is one of the most informational/educational site/forum on the net and they agreed. I see you even posted in response. I hope I did not do anything inappropriatley by mentioning another forum. In fact I would think that as long as it is positive it allows the persons to join in other forums and benefit etc.... I really wish your site or any site had an active chat board is there one out there in cyberland that sticks with MAT?

I do wish you much luck. I hope everything turns out the way it should, with you obtaining an increase in your dose and being able to continue on in your recovery.

It is fine that you mentioned our website and as for mentioning another forum I don't have a problem with it. As advocates we all really have one goal in mind, helping those who need help and support as well has trying to reduce the stigma that is associated with Medication Assisted Treatment/Recovery.

At one time when we had the old forum way back when MSN still had their groups we did have a chat night. We still have the link on the website and can still use the room anytime as it still works. All we need to do is set up a time that works for everyone.
The link is on our website at http://medicalassistedtreatment.org/548338/index.html with the log in towards the bottom of the page. (not the flashing chat button) Even though it hasn't been used in a long time it is still available for use. All that is needed is for people to want to chat.

RuthAnn and I have both posted on the AT Watchdog forum it is a good source for information and support. I haven't posted much as I am now taking Suboxone and am usually on our Suboxone forum.
When you have some time, feel free to check the fourm out. http://suboxone.activebb.net/forum
Seems like everytime I post lately I am giving out links left and right, I hope they are useful.
I again want to wish you good luck with the new clinic and hope that all goes well for you.
Have a good night

Dee Thank You so much you and ruthann have been very helpful and I find your website the most informative as far as information wise. I will let you know how the next few days turn out with new clinic

You are most welcome!

NOW AN UPDATE ON THE NEW CLINIC

I went to the new clinic yesterday to get my first take homes and to discuss how to make the 5mg increase every three days work along with my takehome schedule and....this is the best we could come up with.
I was told It could take several weeks for me to get a counselor (apparently the counselor, not the nurses, are the one to put in for increases) with that being said I ask to speak to my intake counselor we will call him Joe. Even tho the intake process the other day took 4 and a half hours and all the new intakes were in and out of there in less than 2 hours, I really like this Man. (Although there is one issue and I will explain in a minute that I shared with him and he took off running with it so I need to re-visit this subject with him.) He came out to the lobby and took me back and I explained to him that I did not know how without a counselor and/or my takehome schedule I could effectuate the increases. I must admit it confused him for a moment, but he said well are you comfortable with me being your counselor? I said Yes and in all actuality sitting there in that lobby so many hours this week from what I could see of the interactions with client/counselor relations, I think Joe is a smart choice. Together he and I formulated a plan that I get my takehomes on Wednesdays and on Mondays I call before Noon and speak with him about any lagging symtoms and he puts in for an increase on Monday and he walks it to the doctor who is there on Tuesdays gets it signed off on and puts it in the computer so I can have the increases on Wednesdays for next week takehomes. So it will be 5mg a week rather than every 3 days, but I have been waiting for over a year for this to be a solution I can take this solution modified by the conflicting schedules.

Now back to the issue I shared with Joe that may bite me in the arse if I do not readdress it with him. Back in 96 I think it was I was staying sober in NA and was able to do so for about three years and then for the next two years I was able to pretend to be sober in this period of time I was an administrator of a drug treatment facility in Daytona. I have been in several treatment and detox facilities since then and to share this with staff and/or clients usually works against me. Upon me telling him this and I can not remember what brought it up I think relapses or my longest sobriety etc... brought it up but, I instantly saw him to start treating me with a little more relaxation, humor and engaging in almost staff to staff instead of staff to client demeanor. i.e. He would say well you already know that, or he said I dont need to waste our time talking about that, or he said You know what you need to do, throughout this 4 and a half hour assessment this happened countless times. In fact one might think if this be the case my assessment should have only taken a hour not 4 hours huh?

Well I know that would seem to look as if this would be a bonus but it never has been. It leaves room for more disappointment in any failures, misunderstandings and it gives me more room to muck up and get away with it point proven in working in it I was able to "use" the last two years of a 5 year employment as I was a hard worker with an unlimited capacity for learning my job and anyone around me jobs so I was multi-utilized by my boss and other staff. etc.... I can fly right under the radar as one counselor put it to me one time. DO YOU THINK I SHOULD RE-ADDRESS THIS OR AM I MAKING TOO MUCH OF IT AS THIS IS NOT QUITE LIKE TREATMENT (INPATIENT) WHERE I FOUND IT TO BE SUCH A DISADVANTAGE?

I HOPE I DO NOT BORE YOU GUYS WITH MY LONG STORIES AND OVERLY STATED QUESTIONS. I thoroughly enjoy the feedback I get and I do utilize it as you all have gotten me from a deperate feeling of paranoia and dispair to a new clinic with limited complications etc... Thank You all sooooo much. But dont stop now I will always Need Help and I will always give help if I can.

OLD CLINIC DEPARTURE

So immediatley after I dosed at the new clinic and realized my old clinic had failed to send some of the records we had ask for I went over to the old clinic (and plus I wanted to turn in my old bottles) My counselor said she hated to see me go but she understood. She corrected a misunderstanding that she had conveyed to me a rescheduled appt with the clinical director was not for December 2nd but indeed next wednesday November 2nd and he had agreed to see me earlier than that but I only come in once a week and neither one of them were aware that I had already changed clinics so they put me down for my next clinic takehomes.
I told her I had already made the plan to change clinics before the misunderstanding anyways. She encouraged me to still come to the meeting and follow thru with the grievance. I further told her that if there was not a resolution agreeable to the needs of the clients left behind, that indeed I would be re-routing all my paperwork and greivances to the home office/clinic, CARF and the State Treatment Authority. At the end of our meeting, I ask my counselor to enjoy with me my walk to the dosing window so as to hand in my bottles. I felt as if my counselor was not aware my transfer nor was the directorthat the burses had to be aware as someone sent my records over or THE NEW CLINIC HAD TOOK MY WORD ON EVERYTHING AND ADMITTED, DOSED ME AND GAVE ME TAKEHOMES ON MY WORD ALONE WHICH I CAN NOT BELIEVE but when we approached the window one of the rude nurses was there the other one was away from her station (the one who grabbed my bottles). Anyways the one standing there looked perplexed at why my counselor was approaching the window and she ask whats up to my counselor. I stepped up and said I am returning my bottles, she said well ok and? I said well I am no longer going to be coming to this clinic but I would like the records to show I returned my bottles, she looked in the computer and said and are you dosing today? I said no I have dosed already at my new clinic. So she shrugged her shoulders and said okay well I noted ypour bottles as returned I said Thank You and walked off. This was a liberating moment for me but also a bit scarey. Sometimes now I struggle with the fact that it might do me best just to go on with my new clinic and forget the old clinic therefore no meeting-no grievances etc... But I think about these two B---- nurses continuing their abuse on other clients and I feel somewhat obligated. I really ask for your feedback on this.
I by no means am minimizing their behaviors, but as a fellow MMT friend very graciousley pointed out I do have a bit of a tendency to react, over engaging myself in hysteria etc.... She put it much nicer than that but the truth is I do this when it comes to being or feeling threatened in my methadone care because it is the only time in my life (Despite a month or two here or a year or three there) I feel I gotta chance. I know what my reality is without the methadone. I don't even think of when or if I am going to get off methadone so when someone starts thinking it for me I freak. I HATE THIS ABOUT ME. It mimics an old drug behavior I had when I was unable to reach the dopeman.