Methadone: A Flicker Of Light In The Dark

Methadone: A Flicker Of Light In The Dark

To provide a better understanding of the very important role methadone plays in the treatment of addiction.
 
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 So Much Time Wasted Worrying It use to be the Dopeman and Now it's the Clinic. Is this a Curse?

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Finallyachance

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PostSubject: So Much Time Wasted Worrying It use to be the Dopeman and Now it's the Clinic. Is this a Curse?   Tue Nov 08, 2011 9:37 pm

I know this sounds ridiculous but I found my every spare moment trying to find ways to stop the insanity of worry over clinic bullshit this whole week. Tomorrow is the big day and you know it’s went from worrying about getting an increase to worrying why I was denied last week to worry about is tomorrow going to be more surprises to then thinking about what kind of surprises could there possibly be to maybe they will give me the increase but tell me I have to give up my take homes to be monitored since I am new at this clinic and OMG that will only put another face on this ugly issue because that’s not possible because I switched clinics therefore losing the ride I would have (That was one of the reasons I never used so far even with cravings cause I cannot lose my take homes)to OMG they won’t believe me to yada yada yada yada (I cannot even tell You all the rest cause you all would think I am a flipping idiot which is not far from the truth right now)

I wish I could just go back to day one and take back even requesting an increase. I was stupid. I don’t feel like I have been told I can feel (no withdrawals no cravings) but it was manageable. I had come to terms with it all until I got pulled/flagged for a “Random Peak & Trough”. Well actually when I found out the results validated what I believed that I do metabolize methadone fast. I don’t know why I got so wrapped up in it because before that I had been told a P&T was useless in establishing anything. I got disillusioned for a moment with the fact I had been telling them my symptoms but because they could never get a P&T (until they had to unprovoked by me) I felt like they had no right to deny my own word so when a test came back in favor of my word I ran with it. Now like I said I wish I could just stop it all and just go back to how it was. Although I was being treated badly at my old clinic now I have bled it over into my new clinic so now I am not happy with either place. This has all put a real bad taste on my transfer.

Anyways today, day 6 of pure worry, I found myself watching TV for a moment or two and forgetting about the clinics and/or all the worry. I was watching a taped copy of the X-Factor from last week to catch up before this week’s show when I realized that I felt normal again (as normal as I can be) Yes again. It’s been a while and it felt abnormal to feel normal that’s when I had to put my face in the palm of my hands and just cry because I felt insane at that moment. This worry has driven me to pure effin insanity. I know you all think I am a “CHRONIC” worrier. Not so true. I have become a “CHRONIC” worrier. OR…..I have been a chronic worrier but because I stayed high most of the time it was not so noticeable and now that I am not stable on my methadone, but yet I am not implementing any substitutions to make up for the lack of stabilizing methadone. I AM A MESS. So then I thought about using. Just top off this non productive F’ed UP WEEK and it would be like a mini vacation from worry etc….Screw the consequences. The hell with it all etc….I have now figured out I have lost it. I have driven myself to the edge of crazy.

Well Guess what? I can’t do it. Not today and not tonight. My husband called me not too long ago and ask me did I realize today was our second year Wedding Anniversary. (We have been together 13 years but we married two years ago today the first day I began Methadone Maintenance.) Corny as this sounds he and I got married the day I was admitted into MMT as a commitment to me making a commitment not to use illicit drugs any longer. He has been asking me all throughout the week what’s wrong with me etc…and I have just placated the question as my worry would become his worry so why bother him with it (especially since I have found you all). So I or we got a night reprieve/stay. In a way that’s a shame and in a way it’s a miracle today’s today. I hope tomorrow is an end to all this insanity. I am really wondering though if there is some truth to the idea that I am not stable on the methadone though and since I am not substituting the difference with something else if tomorrow will be the end. The only hope I have is if all the worry can be lessened somehow I will be able to deal with it a little better.

I know you may not believe this because you all have seen the worrisome/panicky side of me, but usually on things that make me worry too much I can hit a point and just say screw it. I did what I did or I can’t do nothing about it etc…so que cera’ cera’ whatever will be will be. But I am absolutely scared to death of drug withdrawal therefore the methadone is like life or death to me just LIKE DOPE WAS. All my friends out here in Methadone Forum Cyber World please pray that I get some relief tomorrow, I want peace more than an increase but both would be nice. Pray no more surprises tomorrow and I promise if it goes that way I will be able to focus on some of you all then worry all about me. I have been all wrapped up in FEAR, DOUBT, WORRY and PANIC. Please something has gotta give here. Congrats E-Man on your increase. And thanks to you all for the week of support you have so graciously given me. Now I got to go pay some attention to my ole man or try to at least.
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PostSubject: Re: So Much Time Wasted Worrying It use to be the Dopeman and Now it's the Clinic. Is this a Curse?   Tue Nov 08, 2011 10:38 pm

Congratulations on your anniversary. Take the night off and enjoy yourself and him. Forget about the what if's, what not's and maybe's.
You have been concentrating so much on what may or may not happen combined with second guessing yourself, that you have forgotten about you. The other side of you.
I do think you did the right thing in transferring clinics. If not you would still be there maybe without any increases and looking into the faces of the dosing nurses every time you go in.
Try to get some kind of rest and enjoy the night. We will be here tomorrow. It's going to be a beautiful day!




"I will let yesterday end so that today can begin"



Never take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider
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PostSubject: Re: So Much Time Wasted Worrying It use to be the Dopeman and Now it's the Clinic. Is this a Curse?   Thu Nov 10, 2011 3:23 pm

Thanks Dee I did as you suggested. Went to the clinic yesterday and still he did not sign my increase so I am leaving well enough alone. I don't want to chance losing what I have. I will just deal with it.
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PostSubject: Re: So Much Time Wasted Worrying It use to be the Dopeman and Now it's the Clinic. Is this a Curse?   Thu Nov 10, 2011 4:36 pm

I'm sorry to hear that, I had hopes that your counselor in realizing that he had made a mistake in not making sure the doctor had a copy of your P&K would somehow take matters into his own hands and take care of it for you with the doctor. So much for hopes huh.

I hope you did at least have a good anniversary celebration with your hubby. I still hope you will continue to post and here on the forum. It is good having some conversation going on. Smile
Always here to listen if you need it.


"I will let yesterday end so that today can begin"



Never take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider
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PostSubject: Re: So Much Time Wasted Worrying It use to be the Dopeman and Now it's the Clinic. Is this a Curse?   Thu Nov 10, 2011 6:22 pm

I did have a good noght with my Husband as far as I just broke down and told him the truth about it all all my worries and all my fears etc... He can say one sentence and make me feel better and that is "Hey Boo, it's all going to be alright and if its not right we will find you some place where it will be alright" I should stop not telling him my worries, I just hate that I always break down and look like a mess telling him things. I don't know why I can not just approach him and tell him whats going on the minute I open my mouth I start crying and the more I tell the harder I cry then I end up usually in a meltdown all for him to tell me it's going to be ok and I believe him and then I am ok. But I always wait until the last moment I can hold on to it. whatever has me upset being it. He never really prys etc.. probably because he knows he is in for a good hour or two melt down.
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PostSubject: Re: So Much Time Wasted Worrying It use to be the Dopeman and Now it's the Clinic. Is this a Curse?   Sat Nov 12, 2011 11:16 pm

Sometimes it's hard to talk to others about what is bothering us. We get used to holding it in and when we do finally let it out, it all comes out so fast and it's hard to slow down.

You talk to people when they need help and you offer support when they need it. There is nothing wrong with your doing the same when you need it.
I'm glad you finally did open up and tell your husband what was going on, he can't help unless he knows.
He probably doesn't pry because he knows that when you are ready you will talk to him. Having a meltdown can sometimes be just the thing we need at times.
Smile


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