Hello from the Pacific NorthWest

First off I'd like to thank everyone that makes this site possible, I knew almost immediately I had stumbled upon something very special! It's hard to explain but as far as I can remember, even as a child (chronic ear aches) opiate based pain killers gave me a sense of "normality." I had always been an extremely anxious person with low energy and yet even back then I felt I suddenly could compete with my friends and family on all sorts of levels.... It wasn't until high school I came up with the (very bad) conclusion to "try" taking them as a coping mechanism. Slowly but surely things started to change, though too slow for me to really fathom what could/would happen to me. As my friends changed, so did my options of what I could or couldn't get. It wasn't until the age of 21 though I came across Morphine. I come from a smaller town where the drug scene (besides pot) is almost non existent. This Morphine I soon learned would always be available and sadly turned it was... From that day on, there was not one day I didn't use! By the time I was 24 I would spend over $2,000 a month and would take a minimum of 300mg every 12 hours. I tried going cold turkey time and time again, would last 30 hours tops before I would do ANYTHING to get me more! This happened every time I tried. By this point (though I didn't know it a the time) I was an empty shell. I had more than let myself go, at 6ft tall I now weighed only 130 pounds. This is when I realized I was truly killing myself. Soon after this I learned by my girlfriend (now wife) I was destined to become a father! Thank goodness that started to change my thinking even more. I decided I needed to take real action. I went to Portland and tried getting help at one of the few clinics. They denied me because there was no way to "prove" I had been an opiate dependent for at least over a year. I carried this burden with me up past my daughters birth. I was a stay at home Dad but by the time she was 6 months old, I could no longer lie to myself by just looking into her eyes and telling her everything will be OK.... I decided just like that, I was going tell my Doc everything and just hope for the best. I can confidently say this man saved my life, my family let alone my child's general welfare! He prescribed me Methadone and gave me all the tools I needed to find an out patient program for me to enter. After a few weeks (withdrawal free I might add) I signed up at a newer clinic in Salem, they told me I was on their waiting list but to call often and I was sure to get in. After another month (On my 25th b day) BINGO I was in....... This was only 3 months ago and like I said earlier I'm so glad for this site because sadly since joining the clinic, its been almost 3 months of nothing but trouble. On my first day the only thing I really learned is that they are truly for profit only. It cost $350 a month but to start its an extra 300 due to tests and lab work. My doctor was less than pleased when I told him that they were charging me for every test he had just done and still had records of. The next thing I noticed was I was being told something different every week by the same people. It was almost as if each week they had to follow a different set of rules and guide lines. Next I noticed that even though while I was treated by my Doc with 60 mg of 10 mg methadone pills, now that I was in the clinic taking that liquid cherry methadose form I needed much much more for the same effect (90mg+) and even worse since joining the program I have yet to find a dose that will hold for the full 24 hours let alone 12-15 hours. Things are getting better but its been 3 months now since Ive been able to eat a single dinner, not to mention in the morning I'm always about half a gag away from puking up my dose each morning at the clinic. Don't get me wrong I can tell there are people here that care but they're too far and few I'm afraid! I don't want to be the squeaky wheel there nor do I just want to be walked all over either and so far, if I voice something that's the way I feel. Well there's my story in a nut shell so far, I'm looking forward for some real sound advice during this next chapter into the unknown, it truly means a lot to know I'm far from alone! Thanks again!

Hello and welcome. I totally understand where you are coming from. I have a 30 year history with morphine and about three years ago I began MMT for the first time. I hate all the clinic BS but I need it more than I don't so I must put up with it. I may get a bunch of slack for this but I often wonder if morphine is a reason why the withdrawals are so bad and it takes greater doses than normal to hold us. I have connected with quite a few morphine abusers and we all have high dosing needs in common. I am at 210 milligrams in split dose. I must admit the split dose helped me more the the increased dose. I could go on and on about what all I had to do to get to an optimal dose but I don't have the energy. Look at some of my earlier post and read if you like. I dealt with a bunch of clinic crap. 210 holds me well and it's only because of split dose though. I just recently got my two week takehome status which thank god means I only have to deal with the clinic twice a month now, but in my early days boy was it rough. Just hang tight and it does get better when you don't have to go everyday. I sent you a PM.

Welcome misc_me, it is good to have you here. While I am glad that you were finally able to get into a clinic it also saddens me that you are having such a hard time in finding the right dose.

Has things changed since your past posting? I don't want to be the one to say "It takes time" and I have heard the same thing from other people when going from the 10mg tablets prescribed by a doctor to the liquid.
Does your clinic have the option of using the 40mg diskets? Some people say it works better for them than the cherry liquid.

No one wants to be the squeaky wheel but if you don't ask questions how far are you going to get? You deserve to feel better in your treatment.
You are not alone, not by a long shot. There are people who care about you and your treatment.
The charging of the extra money for the testing is outrageous. I never had that experience as everything was included in the one fee. When I started I paid $75 and that included my labs, whatever counseling and my dosing that day. After that is was 12.00 a day which also included any UA's I had to have down the road and my yearly physical. This was back in 2002 and I'm sure some things have changed. It is important to remember that not all clinics are alike.

When you have some time please let us know how things are going. I know it has been awhile since you last posted and I'd like to hear how you are.
Dee