Do we just settle for "What they Got is What We Get"??

It's just too much to ask for. That is finding a clinic that will follow thru on what they say. I know it is an issue of mine that I FREAK OUT when I am told one thing very confidently by staff and then the actions that follow are not in line with what I am told. SURPRISES that’s what I hate. I would rather stay in doubt then to be led to believe something and it just doesn't happen that way. This is the message that goes on in my head when promises/words get twisted. "OH WOW SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED TO MAKE THEM CHANGE THEIR MIND/WORDS" "OH WONDER WHAT? DID I SAY OR DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THEM RETHINK IT?" and/or "DID MY OLD CLINIC THROW A HAMMER IN THE MIX?" and then the "OH WOW, I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT WAS TO GOOD TO BE TRUE" then "WELL I AM SCREWED NOW"
I appreciate the fact that my fellow post followers have very quickly picked up on the fact that I worry too much. That I tend to overwhelm myself with anxiety when in fact worrying does not help. BUT I CAN NOT HELP IT. I HATE BEING THIS WAY.

So now I have a new issue with an old subject. Just to recap my earlier post/problems. I left the old clinic because all channels of staff told me different answers to every question I ask. I left the old clinic because if they didn't want to answer my questions etc... I get answers like "Because I can" or "Because I said So" etc... I left the old clinic in hopes to find a clinic that would be consistent in their comments/answers, tell me they don't know if they don't know, and treat me like a person not a four digit number.

So this is week two at new clinic as I go once a week, Week One I met with my counselor and saw the Doc. In the admission process with the doctor I told him that I had been on 160 mg for well over a year but still experience withdrawals and cravings. He asks for a few examples I told him. I told him that I had asked for a peak and trough at old clinic but because I am a hard stick they had tried a couple of times, but gave up and no Peak and trough no increase. I further told him that eventually I was pulled for a mandatory P&T (a formality I was told it was a random pull). I also told him that was the week I left the old clinic so I had not had opportunity to ask for increase at old clinic. He looked thru my paperwork and said he had no results (which did not surprise me, but I would remedy this by going and getting a copy) but he ask if I knew my numbers. I gave them the numbers 226 for trough and 881 for peak so, he said well let’s try 5 mg every three or four days and see if we can’t get you where you need to be. He wrote on a piece of paper 165 mg increase. I was a bit worried when he didn’t write the part every few days but whom am I to question the Doc so I didn’t especially since soon thereafter he said for me to tell my counselor every few days if that isn’t working and that my counselor would be asking me a few questions and filling out a request he further stated fpr me to be prepared for callbacks because on high doses we do callbacks to avoid any diversion. Okay I am okay with all that. Wow It's finally happening I am being heard.

I am just super happy that finally a doctor was giving me the increase that I had expected as I had been told that my P&T did show me as a fast metabolizer. Even though all I have read says the P&T are really not evidential, but nonetheless they want numbers they now have numbers to work with. Well actually he had taken my word for the P&T, but just in case, I need to get a copy of my P&T. My counselor agreed I should go get it and bring it in with me on the next Wednesday Week Two. I was going to old clinic anyway the next day to meet with the director about the grievance I filed.

The next day I go there I dose 5 mg was increased etc… HAPPY AS A LARK. Meet nurses, they seem nice enough. Wow maybe I did indeed do the right thing. I then drive over to old clinic but the Director never showed up, but I did get a copy of the P&T.

So on Monday Week Two I do as my counselor had asked and I called him to tell him whether or not I wanted another 5 mg increase. We had made a plan that it would be too complicated every three or four days so we decided I would ask for an increase one time a week on Mondays I would call him he would fill out the request as on Tuesday the doctor is there. He would give it to the Doctor to be signed then the nurses would have it there on Wednesdays when I come in for my take homes. So Monday I call and I call and I call and then I go thru the switchboard and leave a message then the clinic closes and I do not hear back. But, I know I must talk to him before the next morning, Tuesday morning before the doctor leaves as he leaves immediatley after he does his admits. (6:30 to 7:30 am) So Tuesday Morning I get up and call at 5 am, leave message and when 6 am rolls around I get in my car and drive over. My Coumselor called me when I was 5 minutes away so I told him I would just come on in as I want to give him the P&T anyway just in case the doctor needed it. I gave it to him he did the request. I leave.

Wednesday Morning Week Two I drive over at 5:30 am so I can dose before I meet with Counselor as he had made an appointment with me at 7 am and as long as I was there last week, four and half hours I thought best to dose first. Get up to window. NO INCREASE. The Nurse sees the request but no hardcopy signed. I said to her well do I just end up skipping this week and she said for me to go ask my counselor. I do he sits me down and says the doctor denied it and said he wouldn’t do increase without a P&T. I said well I’m confused now cause I brought you the P&T yesterday morning remember I am the one that is to call on Mondays and you didn’t answer so I drove over and gave you the test results and then he said yeah but you did not tell me to give it to the doctor or that the doctor wanted it. I said yeah but don’t you remember the doctor gave me 5mg last week and you and I decided I should go over to my old clinic and get it even though the doctor had given me an increase on my words. He said oh yeah it’s all coming back to me but I thought yesterday that he had in fact given you an order for increase without the paperwork so apparently he did not need it so I just put it in your file. I said okay well apparently now I will have to wait until next week right. He said right. Of Course this is all words going back and forth between us but in my head I am thinking oh god something has happened those two nurses have sent something over in my records cause he was totally comfortable giving me an increase in our meering but noehe is denying me what he agreed to do. The Doc never told me to go get the test results I decided to go get them etc... What has happened?????I I went back to the window told the nurse the doc was missing my P&T with the request so I just needed to get my take homes, she gave them to me. I then went to see my counselor and he looked so disheveled I ask him if he was ok and he said not really can we reschedule this meeting today. I am having a real bad day and I have not even seen any clients yet. I said sure and I left. I am still thinking things like Oh God the counselor didnt want to see me cause he has bad news for me etc.... I HATE THE MIXED MESSAGES CAUSE MY BRAIN GOES OUT THERE. THE BAD THING IS I AM SOMETIMES RIGHT. I ADMIT SOMETIMES I WORRY NEEDLESSLY, BUT HALF THE TIME MY INTUITION IS RIGHT.

WTF. Was I supposed to walk him thru attaching that P&T to my increase request? I never even saw a request he did it all from his computer as had I seen him print one I might have said hey put my P&T with it even tho the doc didnt ask me to get it and bring it i had a feeling sometime soon he would be asking for it but, I never saw him print it etc… to make him attach it etc… Remember I had agreed to let him be my counselor cause he said it would help get my increases and such as he would make it all be expedited, then me trying to make things happen without a counselor as it takes weeks to get one assigned etc....Did I make a big mistake there? Even though I must admit I liked him. I still do. I thought it was a little shabby for him to put it off on me that the P&T was not submitted with the increase. At 5 mg a week, a week means a big difference, but no real harm there. Where the real harm is what all I wrote in first part of post with my mind torturing me with i.e. "OH WOW SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED TO MAKE THEM CHANGE THEIR MIND/WORDS" "OH WONDER WHAT? DID I SAY OR DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THEM RETHINK IT?" and/or "DID MY OLD CLINIC THROW A HAMMER IN THE MIX?" and then the "OH WOW, I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT WAS TO GOOD TO BE TRUE" then "WELL I AM SCREWED NOW" and that is how my head messes with me just like that, but then again is my head messing with me or has something happened etc…..

Then as I am leaving my mind goes to the conversation with my counselor the day before, yesterday to be exact and the same day he filled out the request and he said to me yesterday as he was filling out the request that the dose amount was not a problem. That they at this clinic would be working with me to get me at a stabilized dose. For me not to worry about asking for them as long as I tell them my discomforts and cravings they will increase me how ever high needed to get me with no cravings and no withdrawals. He has clients up in the high 300, numbers do not matter. WTF HELLO-PLEASE SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YESTERDAY MORNING AND THIS MORNING?
This is this kind of worry that makes me want to just say the hell with it all. Maybe I can use the $70.00 a week and do like 2 Percocet’s or an Opana a day etc… The dope man is more consistent than these clinics. I most assuredly feel like me, as a person, is treated with more respect and even more compassion by the dope man. (Ok the dope man was a friend too). Should I quit asking for increases before I end up losing what I have? Do they think I am drug seeking cause this is how nurses/docs always made me feel? I mean I have been led to believe that the P&T shouldn’t matter anyway they are useless with american methadone but yet the doctor denied my request that he had led me to believe last week warranted me getting increases. I thought maybe he gave it to me last week because he himself did not place real importance on P&T as he was signing an increase on my word and without the results. IT’S LIKE AN EFFIN RIDDLE ALL THE EFFIN TIME. Sorry bout all the so called cussing but I am sooooo upset.

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Wishing You Best In Love & Life
wayovermyhead

GIRL! You have gotten yourself all worked up! lol. I don't even know where to start but one thing that sticks out in my head is you said "I ADMIT SOMETIMES I WORRY NEEDLESSLY, BUT HALF THE TIME MY INTUITION IS RIGHT." Then you say that you met the staff and they seemed nice and that you like the counselor and are glad you are with him, but now you are doubting yourself as to if you made the right choice. TRUST YOUR INSTINCT and when I say that, I am saying your FIRST instict that you had. Not the ones you get later when you are upset and worrying and PLEASE don't take this the wrong way but a wee bit paranoid lol!

I know where you are coming from though, ok? I get it, and the fact that you've had a crappy experience at your last clinic may have actually traumatized you where clinics and clinic staff are concerned. But step back for a second and look at it from this view.........

First, your counselor......he is human, he is going to have bad days and mood swings from the ups and downs that go on in his life. NO ONE has a perfect life so I am sure he has crap going on too. You said yourself he looked all disheveled when you went in for your meeting w/him and looked like something was up.......before that, he had just realized he screwed things up for you getting your increase and it was HIS fault, I think he was a bit overwhelmed that day and the other things happening were just random. You only come in once a week so the odds that they all are going to have issues/some problem with your "case" at the same time are really high. I personally don't believe in coincidences, but in this situation, they don't realize anything was "wrong" with your situation until you come in and point it out so then they all have their own things they have to do to "fix" your case, so each one of them will have a "problem" with your case that they will have to deal with.........(am I making any sense here? lol I understand in my head what I am trying to say, just not so sure I am using the right words so that you will understand what I am trying to say)

If there were any problems or issues w/you situation, I don't think they would've went ahead and gave you a weeks worth of takehomes. They would've had you come back in sooner to deal with whatever situation it was.

As for your old clinic, this is the SECOND time this director has blown you off and not shown up for your appt. I wouldn't even mess with them anymore, I would go right over thier heads and take it higher up now. If you haven't done so already, jot down the dates, times and what happened when you tried to follow proper protocol for a grievance and the director stood you up, write down any conversations you've had with him about this (didn't you talk to him after the first missed appt and he give you some excuse?) write all of that down because when you take it over his head you will have this properly documented.

I understand you may be worried that your old clinic has said something to your new clinic about the grievance and have maybe "made waves" for you at your new clinic...When you went and got the copy of the P&T from them, how did they act? I also kind of think if the old clinic was going to say something to the new one, they would have done it when the new clinic first contacted them about your transfer.

Having said all that, I think you should try and take it easy on yourself! You stressing so much may have alot to do with why you are craving so much and having metabolizing issues. I know it's easier said than done but don't go borrowing trouble and getting all upset about something until you know FOR SURE there is something to be upset about.

Continue like you originally arranged (calling your counselor a few days before you come back in and letting him know if you need the increase and all) and just see how things go the next time you go in. Did you tell the new clinic about the grievance at the old? If you did and you feel comfortable enough to ask your counselor about it, ask him if there is something going on and mention that you felt like there was.

The main thing is hang in there and I know it's hard but try to stop stressing yourself out so much. No matter what, we are here for you so don't forget that, ok?

Oh Ruthann I feel like anyday now this monster is going to creep up behind me, peck me on my shoulder and very matter of factly say, "BOO, the jokes on you, surely you didnt beleive that for 25 years you could wreck your life and some other peoples life too find a solution like MMT and it work forever for you. Did you now? Well payday is here and it's gonna cost you your methadone. HA HA HA HA HA So here's your paper, you got 3 days to get off it and go back to the miserable, lyin, cheatin, stealin, cryin life you use to live in".

Some people are blessed with good counselors, good doctors and clinics that actually want to help the patients. Other people are not so fortunate. I know how you feel if it is any consolation. Many find it difficult to adjust to a new program. Perhaps you are just going through the adjustment period. I think Ruthann gave good advice. I see it this way, if you are in a bad program you will soon find out and then you can just locate another one. If you are in a good one then you will have found a place you can depend on for now. No matter what it will work out fine. There are lots of places in this country to get methadone so there is no need for you ever to worry about having to go back to the dope man. Thank God we live in America. People in other countries have it so much harder than we do. Take a moment Finallyachance and Google Krokodil or look it up on this site. It will put things into perspective real quick. Wishing you the very best.

I do understand where you are coming from and I wasn't trying to give you a hard time but I can tell from your writing how wrung out you are over this situation. It is so hard when things seem to be going ok and for so long before that we have been liars, cheaters, and hurting those around us. It seems like the MMT clinics have so much "control" over our lives and can really screw things up for us based on their moods and whims sometimes........I get that, I promise. I just think because you have just come out of a bad relationship with the old clinic that you are still "gun" shy AND it is a very big step to take when you decide to file a complaint. (You're very brave there because most ppl are too scared to do anything like that.) That's all I was trying to say was give it a chance to see what's going to happen. It could really be nothing but a string of things happening in the counselor's life that have him all in a tizzy and have nothing to do with what's going on w/you. Plus, There's nothing you can really do about what's going on at your new clinic until you know for sure there IS something going on, (and that is midweek right, unless you decide to go ahead and ask them before then) so try not to fret so much until then.

man, i absolutly LOVE this website, im on it mutiple times a day looking up info but i aways get bummed out when a thread is left without the outcome!! i hope all is well with Finallyachance



Jo

finallyachance still comes around every now and then. As far as I know she is dong well. I will send her a message and see if I can get her over here to update her story. I think it would be better coming from her as she is the one who had that experience.
Keep reading and posting, it is good to see some action on this forum.
Dee

Well Hello all....Yes I do come and visit this site still. Well here is the update.

About six weeks after this post the old clinic called me because the doctor had read my peak and trough results and had ask to see me and they told him I had left. They informed him about the run in with the dosing nurses and all that whole year I had been begging for increases and the nurses could not get blood for the peak and trough so I left. So the Director called me at home....I was so happy. He ask me how I was doing at the new clinic and I told him I hated it. He ask me to come back and he would follow thru in my grievance I had written on the two dosing nurses that bullied me about the peak and trough's etc...I ent back and saw the doctor for the readmit and he apologized for not being in the loop for that whole year. He informed me that heads were gonna roll and they did the nurses were put on contract and the one quit (the worse one) and the other one had 6 months with no reprimands and she had to apologize for her bully behavior. She is as nice as she can be to me now.

The doctor admitted he was having a problem increasing me even though my peak and trough shows a need to because I had two EKG's that showed me to have qtc intervals in the high mark 527. But with the Director re-enforcing me and the doctor allowing me to exercise my right to informed consent he went ahead and increased me 40 milligrams to 210 milligrams with split dose. This took care of my cravings and withdrawals. Although I had to meet with him several times and talk him out of trying to make me take suboxone. He really worried about my qtc's so just in case I could get a outside doctor (cardiologist) to assist me in taking the burden of worry off the doctor I sought help in an outside EKG which showed me not to have qtc interval my qtc was 390/409 so I took it in and he removed me from worry any longer so I have been left in peace with my dose at 210 and split dose no longer being harassed about it.

I now only have to go to the clinic 2 times a month. I am told I am a model client by all staff now. I have a great relationship with the director and if I feel I or anyone is being treated wrong he has so far stepped in and made it right.