THOUGHT FOR TODAY 8/5/09

In my addiction, I simply was not comfortable being me. I did everything I could to avoid myself. I deceived myself and I spent ALOT of time living in tomorrow or yesterday. I focused on other people and found ways to blame them for my problems. I spent time sleeping when I should have been awake, just to avoid myself. It was too painful being me and I didn't like who I had become. I didn't like how I behaved and how I hurt others. Most of all, I would run to the drugs just to escape reality and escape myself. I didn't like me, and I didn't like thinking about my life.

Recovery came along and still I was barely able to look at myself in the mirror. There was so much shame. I was disgusted with myself and now I didn't have the drugs to run to. There were times I so longed for the blissful peace that came from using and it was a stuggle to stay clean.

I hung in there! I got into the recovery process and began to find my way out of the fog. I began to spend time in the fellowship of friends and family again and even began laughing occasionally. Over time my whole outlook changed, and you know what?? I even began to like this new me. I was able to forgive myself and accept who I was and once again, I got comfortable living in my own skin.

For this I am grateful.

Ruthann