THOUGHT FOR TODAY 8/19/09

WE ARE SICK PEOPLE TRYING TO GET BETTER, NOT BAD PEOPLE TRYING TO BE GOOD.

So many times, especially during my addiction and in the first year or so of recovery I had a real hard time with my self worth. We know the levels we stooped to just to obtain our drugs and I will be the first to admit, I AM NOT PROUD of some of the thing I have done. In fact, I am very ASHAMED of some of the things I have done and would give anything if I could take them back. I hurt other people, I risked my life and even my children's life because of my addiction and my children are the most important thing in my life to me! I would die if something happened to them, especially if it was my own fault, yet and still, I put them in situations they had no business being in, just so I could get my pills.

When I would stop and think about some of the things I had done or were doing, I would feel like such a terrible person. I couldn't imagine a person on this earth who could ever be as horrible as I was. I was so ashamed of my behavior and I couldn't understand how I could do some of these things so in my mind, I could only sum it up as "I must be a terrible person". There must be something wrong with me that I would do these things. I am worthless, I am a piece of crap....I could go on an on. But you guys know what I am talking about, you have been there too!

When I was doing drugs, I could take a pill (or 5 or 6!) and forget about feeling so worthless, but in recovery you have to try and find a way to work through those feelings. I would struggle with thinking and feeling like a hypocrite and I felt like a fraud. I felt like I was trying to live like a "good" person but knowing all the bad things I had done I felt I could never be a good person!

It was a monumental step for me when I realized that I am NOT a horrible person. I am not a "BAD" person. Yes, some of the things I had done were horrible and some of the things I had done were "bad" but I WAS NOT A BAD PERSON! I was a sick person who was trying to get well and nothing more! I also learned that I deserve to be happy just like everyone else!

Yes, I had some apologizing to do and some ammends to make to other people. In my opinion I think in order to really get well you have to complete that step in the healing process or the guilt will continue to eat you up, but after you have done so, you have GOT to let it go!

One of the most important things to do in recovery is also (I think) one of the most important as well........I had to learn to forgive MYSELF and stop living with the guilt of the things I had done. I had done them, yes, but I had also made amends for them and was trying to live right so let them go! Once I could do that, it lifted a huge weight off of my spirit and I was able to see it for what it really was......I was a sick person trying to get well, not a bad person trying to be good!

So stop beating yourself up and move on in your recovery process. Seek the forgiveness of those you have wronged but don't forget to forgive yourself in the process.

Have a good day you guys.

RuthAnn