During the midst of my addiction, lack of awareness was another one of my shortcomings. The reality was that I had little or no awareness of how my behavior affected other people becuase I had been so wrapped up in my own self-centeredness that I just could not see what was happening. It was not just how my behavior affected others that I was missing, but also self-awareness.
I had no idea how I really felt! I knew I felt good when people were leaving me alone, and I felt bad when I was being hassled. But as for my emotions, I had no idea what made me happy. I had lost touch with sadness, fear, anger, shame and hurt feelings. Everything was either good or bad.
As I began to come out of the fog, I began to see things for the first time. Anger was probably the first emotion I got in touch with. I was angry I had to go to follow the strict guidelines at the clinic, I was angry that it cost so much, I was angry (and scared) that I was giving up my medication! I was angry I had this disease of addiction! Most of all, I think I was angry that I couldn’t do things my way.
As my anger subsided, I got in touch with other emotions – fear, sadness and shame. I began to see how my behavior was affecting others and I began to realize more and more that I had to change if I was ever going to stay in recovery.
As I started to put others into the equation of life, my self-centeredness began to slip away. With regular inventory of myself I began to gain better understanding of my emotional responses. I began to see how my thinking, attitudes and behaviors had a lot to do with how I felt. Am I becoming more aware of my actions, my emotions and myself?
I began to see that those who reached out to me were able to help because they truly understood what I was going through. They had been through many of the same things I was going through and it was one addict helping another. It was their understanding that allowed them to help me best where others may not be able to.
As I hung in there and stayed with treatment, giving it my best, I began to see that this was also true of my Higher Power. God was able to help me, not just because He was more powerful than I was, but also because He understood. I am not saying that God is an addict, but He certainly understands pain, fear, sadness, anger and all the other emotions I experience.
God also understands joy, serenity and peace of mind. These are things that I had to learn about from God and others. Today awareness is not always easy, but it is real, and I know I can deal with it.
Home 
Portal 
Gallery 
Register 
Log in 
