a little info about me

Hi. My name is Pam and I am 35. I am married to the man of my dreams, finally after years of the wrong man. I have been in MMT for @ 3 years. It saved my life. Literally. My husband is in MMT too. I invited him to join too. Maybe he will. But this is my story. I had been doing low milligram pain pills for years, but it was occasional use only. I would get loratab or percocet from dentists and doctors and save them and use them on off days or sometimes for real pain. It was after I took my first oxcy 20 that it turned in to everyday use. Then I tried morphine and started using IV. Well this went on for @ 6 years all together. I would detox cold turkey and always start using again. Sometimes I would be clean for a few weeks, sometimes I would be clean for a few months, but it never lasted. Without methadone maintenance I dont believe I would have ever got back to a normal life. So its been my miracle. But some damage from my using is irreversable. I dont know if I can ever forgive myself, but I try everyday to be the best person I can be now. Thats all I can do. I am very frustrated by the stigma associated with this disease and the lack of factual information most people are satisfied with having about how it should be treated. I think what Debbie has done here is a wonderful tool to us because we are coming together with each other in a way we we would otherwise never connect . Have a great day every one and hope to talk live soon. Pamc

Hi Pam, It's RuthAnn again! lol! I sent you a PM, but that was before I saw your post here so if I repeat myself, forgive me.........

First off, I want to say YOU HAVE GOT to forgive yourself! I sensed from your post that you feel a lot of guilt and you are weighed down by it. Yes, we have all done some really terrible things while in our addiction. We have all hurt so many people, sometimes more than once, but you can't keep beating yourself up about it or you could end up using again just to make the pain stop.

There is a good side to the fact that you are feeling guilt though, and yeah, I know! You are probably rolling your eyes at me thinking "is she crazy!?" but seriously, that is a good sign! At least you can FEEL guilt now. When we are wrapped up in our addiction we don't feel anything and could care less who we may hurt and we could care less about other peoples feelings so the fact that you do now, shows you are making progress. So don't keep giving yourself a hard time about it.

If you can, apologize to whoever it was you hurt and then move on. Just the fact that you acknowledge that you hurt them is going to show them you are serious because again, before you didn't care.

I know it must be hard with both you and your husband in MMT. Not to mention the financial aspect of it, my gosh, I can't even begin to fathom that.......but the fact that you are both going through a trial or a hard time at the same time. When one is weak the other has to be strong but what happens when you are both weak and need some support? That has got to be so hard and maybe we can help fill that need.

We are so glad you have found us too and just know that we are here for you AND your husband and will help you in any way we can!

take care and have a great day.
RuthAnn